Wanted: 1 Sister-Friend

Wanted: 1 Sister-Friend

Prefer someone local to hang out with and nurture a deep friendship. Must love Jesus. Liking coffee, chocolate or ice cream is a plus, but not required. Having similar interests and being family oriented also a plus, but not required.

I'm not interested in status and fluff. Looking for a friend similar to those found in scripture:

1 Samuel 18:1-4

After David had finished talking with Saul, he met Jonathan, the king’s son. There was an immediate bond between them, for Jonathan loved David. From that day on Saul kept David with him and wouldn’t let him return home. And Jonathan made a solemn pact with David, because he loved him as he loved himself. Jonathan sealed the pact by taking off his robe and giving it to David, together with his tunic, sword, bow, and belt.

1 Samuel 23:16-18

Jonathan went to find David and encouraged him to stay strong in his faith in God. “Don’t be afraid,” Jonathan reassured him. “My father will never find you! You are going to be the king of Israel, and I will be next to you, as my father, Saul, is well aware.” So the two of them renewed their solemn pact before the Lord. Then Jonathan returned home, while David stayed at Horesh.

2 Samuel 9:1-7

One day David asked, “Is anyone in Saul’s family still alive—anyone to whom I can show kindness for Jonathan’s sake?” He summoned a man named Ziba, who had been one of Saul’s servants. “Are you Ziba?” the king asked.

“Yes sir, I am,” Ziba replied.

The king then asked him, “Is anyone still alive from Saul’s family? If so, I want to show God’s kindness to them.”

Ziba replied, “Yes, one of Jonathan’s sons is still alive. He is crippled in both feet.”

“Where is he?” the king asked.

“In Lo-debar,” Ziba told him, “at the home of Makir son of Ammiel.”

So David sent for him and brought him from Makir’s home. His name was Mephibosheth; he was Jonathan’s son and Saul’s grandson. When he came to David, he bowed low to the ground in deep respect. David said, “Greetings, Mephibosheth.”

Mephibosheth replied, “I am your servant.”

“Don’t be afraid!” David said. “I intend to show kindness to you because of my promise to your father, Jonathan. I will give you all the property that once belonged to your grandfather Saul, and you will eat here with me at the king’s table!”

**********

I have so many thoughts right now. My heart is so hoping to find a friend... my best girlfriend from high school has been in Texas for work and continued education. My best friends from college now live in Colorado and Ohio. Though I have some friends here where I live, most of us have been so busy that we don't get to spend time together and really connect. I see other women and their friendships and long for that, but in the context of a Christian friendship that is based on real heart-to-heart friendship. What I've seen is a lot of friendship that is either more like an acquaintance, lacking true, deep, transparency and closeness or friendship that seems based on keeping up with the Joneses. Obviously, I want more than an acquaintance and do not fit in the "in" crowd and it's even markedly more obvious when I feel like I'm left out of things. Am I really left out? It looks like it some times, but I have no idea if it's intentional or not.

I'm asking God to really purge some junk out of my heart. I don't want to be hurt, angry or jealous, especially if there is no real basis for me to be. But even if there is, I don't want to waste my time or energy on feeling that way. What I sincerely want is a Christian Sister-Friend.

Excuse me while I act like a crabby toddler.

Can I just have a moment to whine? It seems I do that a lot here, but Hubs and I are on the same page and are on different pages, all at once.

Ultimately, it comes down to this: I want it all.

I know that it means I'm being greedy. I know that it means that I'm just being a baby because I don't want delayed gratification. It doesn't feel like it, though, because the things or situations I want aren't bad, in and of themselves. It's really a matter of wants vs. needs.

Here's the deal. Hubs may be getting a bonus soon and in our minds, we've planned (read: spent) it a hundred different ways.

Hubs and I agree on these points: We should use part of it to fully fund our emergency fund**. We should use part of it to have our cars worked on (both need maintenance, plus the one I drive most needs some work on the suspension, as well as the broken A/C and/or the switch panel.) We need to pay off a few bills to just get them out of our hair, once and for all. Baby Girl needs mattresses for her Big Girl Bed. My Big Girl needs her walls (finally) repaired so we can get on with finishing her room once and for all. After all that, there's not much left to go around.

What I want is all of the above, plus a beach vacation.

Sounds greedy when I type it out like that. And really, a vacation is a pretty trivial AND luxurious thing for us, for this economy, for a family that wants to pay off debt sooner rather than later.

The selfish part of me has an argument that goes like this. We never go anywhere or do anything. Yeah, so we go to Cincinnati about once a year, but for health reasons, not for a vacay. The first time we went to the beach was in 2001, when Hubs had a training conference there. It wasn't really fun because he was in class all day. And then I got completely fried while sunbathing. The next time we went--our first, and thus far only, family vacation with the girls--was 2 years ago in July for my cousin's wedding. Plus, with all the bill paying, it FEELS like we'll NEVER have a vacation. Not to the beach. Not to Disney. Never. Nowhere.

See? Told ya I'm acting like a crabby toddler. Who needs a time out. And a nap.

In my head, I know that a lot of people I know don't always get to go on vacations. I know that there are families we know that don't do an annual vacation to anywhere. I know that. I lived that. Maybe that's why I feel so strongly about it.

It's also hard when every family around us IS going on these trips. To the beach. To Disney. To everywhere I'd like to go, but where I likely won't get to go, at least for a while. It makes me sad because I had wanted to go to Disney while there was still something magical about it for my oldest daughter. And it seems as though that won't happen.

I never bought in to Keeping Up with the Joneses. Never. It's not the stuff I want for my girls or for myself, it's the experiences. And I know that I'm not supposed to covet, but I find myself yearning for time away to these wonderful places with my family.

The trips themselves are not bad. My attitude is what needs to be adjusted. It's hard feeling like you're the only one either in debt or trying to get out of debt, and by doing so, forgoing family vacations and lots of other fun stuff. It sucks, really. It's lonely. I have tried telling myself that one day, all the living within our means will pay off. I have tried to keep telling myself that we can pride ourselves in not having credit card debt. I try to keep telling myself that any time we have extra money, paying off bills or investing it in to our home with sorely needed updates WILL pay off. One day, I hope, we'll be able to sell this house and choose one that WE love and choose for ourselves. One day, I hope, we'll be able to take annual family vacations and do all the fun stuff we aren't doing now.

**I understand why Dawn at Coal Creek Farms calls Dave Ramsey, "D*** Ramsey." She's written some great posts here and here.

It SUCKS trying to save and pay off debt. Why am I just learning these things, at the age of 32?! Oh, how VASTLY differently I would've done things!

The funk I am in is affecting lots of different areas for me. First, my attitude is grumpy. Second, I picked a quasi-fight with Hubs because I feel like he shot my vacation idea down and, as I so maturely pointed out, "Sucked the hope out of the room." Third, I've backslidden on my diet (there's more on that for another post). Fourth, I have to re-motivate myself to get back on track with Fly Lady after not being home for a week. But mostly, I'm just grumpy.

Martha Stewart's Microfiber Cloths - My 2 Cents

My local Home Goods store recently got a nice shipment of cleaning supplies, which made my heart twitter and flutter because most of the cleaning products were my favorite, Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day. Imagine my delight! I also spotted a cleaning tool that I've been thinking of getting and during my recent shopping trip, I indulged.

Check it out, Martha Stewart's Microfiber Glass Cloths. I paid $6.99 for them at my local Home Goods. The suggested price on the back was $14.99.

I didn't pay a lot of attention at the store and was pleasantly surprised to find 3 cloths in the box. Yay me!

I had read about how great microfiber cloths are on a Christian mom's blog and was intrigued. Would they really make that much of a difference?

Note the glob of strawberry Colgate Kids toothpaste on the bowl of the sink. I took these photos before cleaning my bathroom.

I'm shameless.

Kind of.

Aren't these pretty? I'm not sure what Martha calls this blue. It reminds me of the blue boxes from Tiffany's.

After my wedding, I thought that blue would be beautiful for a wedding. I wish I had thought of it before my wedding. It's very likely my bridesmaids would've worn a dress this color.

Anyway....

Can I just say it?

I LOVE MARTHA'S MICROFIBER CLEANING CLOTHS!

Yeah, totally love 'em. I love how my mirror did not have streaks after I cleaned it. I really love how there was no white lint in one of the corners after cleaning. I also like how much more economical and earth-friendly it is to use cloths to clean, rather than paper towels. (How am I just now getting on the cloths for cleaning bandwagon?)

It's a week and a day from payday, or I'd totally go buy a box and host my first-ever give-away on this blog. Seriously. That is how much I love these and would love to share them with you. If you find some, please treat yourself.

A Month's Worth of Thoughts

On Cleaning Out and Organizing My Home

Oh, wow. I've been really busy this month. I've been doing my Fly Lady missions. I made HUGE progress in our master bedroom and Abbie's room. It's looking a lot better, but I still have a long way to go. I still say there is a black hole somewhere that spills out more stuff after I've cleaned out and given away those items. Seriously! :-) My goal is to completely declutter and clean out unused things, then paint and re-do it. I can hardly wait!

I've been trying to give myself these types of goals to keep myself motivated. The "reward" for getting a room completely uncluttered and cleared out is re-doing it. For example, in our formal living room, my reward will be new drapes (badly needed!), paint and new throw pillows for the sofa and love seat. The master bedroom needs it all: bedding, curtains, mini-blinds and paint. The TV room needs paint, curtains, new ceiling fan and, eventually, a new couch. Eventually, we need to replace the carpet in the entire house. Following Dave Ramsey's teaching, we are saving up for the couch and carpeting, rather than trying to finance the cost.

On Marriage

I've wanted to write about this for the entire month of February. But I've always hesitated because when you talk about stuff like this, you put yourself out there and I just don't want to deal with any possible drama. At the end of the day, I feel like the good of sharing what I've learned and gleaned this month outweighs the bad of a possible backlash.

Every marriage goes through seasons, ranging from times of more closeness to times of struggle. I learned that 80% of marriages that have a child with special needs end in divorce. That is a staggering statistic! I've learned why over the past 2 1/2 years and Abbie's issues are FAR from severe compared to the vast issues other children face. There's a lot of give and take and sacrifice on both a husband's and a wife's parts, and it can be easy for conflict to arise. Thankfully, we are getting to a point in Abbie's care that it's become a dance of sorts... we know when the tests for cancer screening are due, and the appointments for specialists are now down to once a year. It's gotten easier and the stress level has gone down for the most part.

There have been other issues that have caused the past 2 years to be really hard for us. I'm not going into those because they're personal and are our business to be discussed between the two of us. The month of February brought a turning point and I have to thank God for that. It's no coincidence that I was pretty much deluged with teaching, lessons, encouragement and points of view that helped me readjust my attitude, thoughts and feelings and allow forgiveness and healing.

From my church: Sermons my pastor has preached have really planted seeds in my heart. I'm thankful to have a shepherd who tells it like it is, who sheds light on the truth so that we may grow. Amen.

From Joyce Meyer: When you are hurt, you feel that someone has to pay. And you keep feeling that someone has to pay and start feeling entitled to being angry until someone pays. The truth is, Jesus died for everyone's sins. Holding on to that entitlement means you don't accept that Jesus' blood covered those sins. It's not faith. It's feeling like your pain is more than the blood. (My paraphrase, except the first sentence. It was a POWERFUL message that I still have saved on our DVR so I can go back and listen to it again.)

From Blogs: Blog posts have really given me a lot of insight. I have read and read and read this month. Some of the nuggets of wisdom I have found are....

This first link had a profound impact on me:
http://www.incourage.me/2010/02/he-wants-more-than-love.html

http://www.brookemcglothlin.com/2010/01/year-of-prayer-husbands_12.html

http://todayshousewife.blogspot.com/2010/02/praying-from-head-to-toe.html

http://momsinneedofmercy.blogspot.com/2010/02/what-to-do-when-you-feel-like-hes-just.html

http://momsinneedofmercy.blogspot.com/2010/01/even-though-your-husbands-big-boy-he.html

http://www.incourage.me/2010/02/fanning-the-flames-of-friendship.html

Maybe marriage and relationships were a hot topic because Valentine's Day is in February and people have been doing a lot of soul searching on the topics. Or maybe there are a lot of us out here who are wanting to cultivate marriages that are truly loving, Christian marriages that are marked with the fruits they should be. If people aren't learning and growing and actually acting like Christians in their marriages, what's the point, right? Because we're no better than "the world" when we don't step up to the plate and actually practice what we preach; we're worse if we say one thing and live another. It's called hypocrisy. I'm not trying to say that there isn't grace when we make mistakes because I know that no one is perfect. What I'm saying is, once we have made mistakes, we need to learn from them, grow and move on.

And people, I have to confess that I have been stuck in a a rut and mired in mud and muck for two years. Yep. Two. Long. Years.

I have held on to hurt and anger and this entitlement to being as hurt and angry as I wanted to be because I was wounded. Thankfully, God has debried the wounds of my heart and spirit.

As simple as it sounds, one of the major things that has helped bring healing to my heart has been praying for my husband. Do you know how embarrassed I am to write that? Do you know how much I hate to confess that for most of our marriage, I have not prayed for my husband like I should? Yeah, I'd pray for him here or there, but not consistently. But by starting out as simply as just thanking God for my husband began a work in my heart. Then I pray that he has a good day at work. I mean, how simple is that? But, friends, I wasn't an armor bearer for my husband, the head of my household. Now I know to do better. Now I know how important it is to pray for my partner and the father of my daughters.

Ever notice how much love grows in your heart when you are praying for a person?

It's easy to pray for your children or for those who haven't significantly hurt you. The Bible says even heathens will be good to those who are good to them. But praying for those who have wounded you / your enemies... that is what we are called to do.

What happens, really, is that you change. My Valentine's Month lesson has been that I should ask God to change my heart. All this time, I've asked Him to change the hearts of others around me. What I've decided to do now is pray for them, yes, but not to be changed in the ways I think they should be changed. Rather, bless them and change my heart towards them.

They say that charity starts at home. Well, a LOT of things start at home. Like, growing. Healing. Loving more and nagging less. And prayer.

I want to get away with the Shepherd

As you can tell from my previous post, my cup is empty.

When I read Hinds Feet on High Places years ago, it really spoke to me. A passage keeps coming to mind, when Much-Afraid longs to go to the high places to be with the Shepherd. She knows she is broken and imperfect and in fact, feels so unworthy to be in His presence, but her heart longs to visit with Him.

I have been feeling like that for some time. Not only do I want to get away and have a "mommy vacation" where I can just unwind. But I've also felt this need to just slip away somewhere and spend some time with Jesus. No itinerary. No errands to run. No rush, just slowing down to spend time with Him.

My heart and soul crave it. I need it. I hope to be able to have that alone time soon.

* I found some need information about the Hind, here:
http://www.hannahscupboard.com/secrethind.html

He Cares for Me

Wow, I've been in a pretty foul mood this week. Not sure why. It may be related to hormones, but I can't say for sure. What I do know is, I have been feeling VERY overwhelmed this week and I haven't handled it like I should.

I've been moody, snappy, short-tempered, and an all-around hot fuse. This is not the way I want to be. I've even slacked off in my prayer time (hmm... wonder why I'm feeling this way, in part, at least?).

The other night, I was really upset about something. The thing is, I don't even remember what it was now. It was probably something related to the state of the house, with extra laundry overtaking everything, as I'm desperately trying to wash long-forgotten, wrinkled or dirty clothes so they are acceptable for donation. I'm trying so hard, but I feel like I just keep spinning my wheels in mud, putting forth a LOT of effort, yet getting nowhere.

So I was mad and looking for my keys. And it was really a thought-prayer: "I know with the way I've been acting lately, I don't even have a right to ask for Your help in finding my keys." Even the way I thought it was snippy and harsh. I paced back and forth. Then I laid my hand on the dining room table and under a folded shirt, I felt my keys.

Hot tears burned my eyes.

I melted and humbly thanked Him for His providence. And I apologized for my behavior and asked that my heart be changed.

Even in the middle of my muck and my tantrums, God cared enough to help with an itty bitty thing like finding my keys.

"Casting all your care on Him, for He cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:6-8

Again and again, I fall flat on my face. Maybe that's to remind me that it's not about me, but about His grace and love towards me. My prayer is that I somehow become more Christ-like in my character and actions so that no one has to ask if I'm a Christian.

What the Recession is Teaching Me

I've thought about posting this, or something like it, for a few months now.

A lot of people are struggling this year. It's astounding to think about. At Thanksgiving, people who had jobs said their job was the thing for which they were thankful. I was reading comments from the winner of the Pioneer Woman's Kitchen Aid mixer give away. The question was, "What do you want for Christmas?" and one of the winners said, "A job for my husband." I pray that family gets what they need for Christmas.

We have been working through Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University" CD's. It's not easy and given that we've had to pay for major car repairs and a new motor for our furnace recently, building our emergency fund is a task we're still working towards.

I also quit my part-time retail job. The reasons are many, but basically, by the time I drove to work and paid parking, those few hours weren't worth it. We really weren't making money. Plus, I wanted to be able to enjoy my family this Christmas season. I didn't get to do that last year because of the crazy hours. Add to all that, I'm hoping to either work from home doing customer service OR start a program to get my Master's in Education (for free, no lie) and start teaching.

So, suffice it to say, we've been tightening our belts. And really paying attention to what we spend and what we spend our money on. (Ack, I ended a sentence with a preposition... sorry about that.)

So, finally, these are a few things the recession is teaching me.

* Use leftovers. I know, it's sounds crazy. But for a really long time, we didn't really eat leftovers. We wasted them. When you think about it, how stupid is that? Wasting food = wasting money.

* My kids only need so many clothes. And toys. Really, I can go overboard buying clothes for my girls. Working in a kids' retail store made me "fall off the wagon" because before I went to work there, I did a LOT of consignment shopping. When I was working, I quit doing that as much. But I'm back on the wagon. I'd LOVE to go back to Columbus to these really awesome consignment stores my aunt took me to a few years ago. She (and those stores) got me into consignment shopping in the first place. It was the first time my daughter ever had clothes from Gymboree and Gap.

* The beauty of cheaper stores. Take Aldi, for example. I had shopped there intermittently, but never regularly. I can consistently get bananas there for $0.39 a pound. At my regular grocery store, they are usually $0.59 a pound, $0.49 on sale. Considering how often I bananas, that's a great deal!

* Wants vs. Needs. If I stop and think about it, I don't NEED most things on store shelves. There is a REAL difference when you consider Wants vs. Needs. I could never thank Dave Ramsey enough for that lesson.

* It's ok to ask for things you need as gifts. I feel like a bit of an idiot to admit that I just got this. Yes, for Abbie's 1st birthday, my parents got her a pair of shoes. Shoes for Abbie are, indeed, a big deal, what with her needing wide sizes and a different size for each foot. But you know what else she and her sister need? A new table & chairs. The one I bought them a few years ago has essentially bitten the dust. Both chairs are broken and a hazard. They need/I want shelves for their toys. And I just realized that it's ok to tell grandparents, aunts and uncles that. It's ok if they don't get 10 baby dolls this year. They are bombarded with "stuff" year after year but no one has thought where all that stuff will go, except Hubby and me because WE are the ones who have to deal with all the stuff everyday.

When did we start to believe that everything we give or get as gifts has to be fun?

Granted, it IS more fun that way, but you know what's not fun? Having 10 dolls and nowhere to put them.

I remember watching "Little House on the Prairie" when the girls each got a silver cup, a peppermint stick, a pair of red handmade mittens and a sugar cookie. These treasures made Laura exclaim that it was the best Christmas ever.

When did Christmas get so... big and focus on... more?

We've lost focus of the REAL reason we celebrate Christmas. If there is a silver lining to people not having as much money, it's that it forces us to stop focusing on material things and focus on what matters most: our family and friends. It makes us be creative. It makes us take stock of what we have and gives us pause when we think of what we really need compared to what we want.

You can't buy that kind of good luck.

Yesterday morning, my oldest requested a packed lunch because they were going to have chicken fajitas at school. I'm not really sure why she doens't like fajitas, especially given that she loves quesadillas, because they're made of essentially the same things, but whatever.

The problem was, since we were gone for 2/3 of the weekend and VERY busy the other 1/3, I didn't get to go to the grocery store. So I had nothing with which to make her a lunch. I gave her my word that I'd have her lunchbox to her ASAP.

I made a quick trip to the grocery store and came home and immediately started on her lunch. She had specifically asked for a grilled cheese and strawberries. After I got everything together, I loaded Abbie back in the car and headed for the school.

As I pulled on to the main road, I heard something pop. I thought I had run over a soda pop bottle and I even looked in my mirrors to see what I had run over. About 2 seconds later I hear this high-pitched whizzing sound and the car starts acting weird. I manage to drive another 25 feet or so and pull over. By the time I could pull over, I thought I had a blown tire.

Oh, to be that lucky.

I got out and discovered that my rear driver's side tire was half way on and half way off. It was leaning in towards the car, like this: /. I got back in the car, called Paul and told him that he had to come right away. Then, I got back out and while I was getting Abbie out of the car seat , one of Hannah's teachers called to ask if I was bringing her lunch.

"I'm on my way," I answered.

Because it's a more rural area, there was is no sidewalk and because we're literally walking on the side of the road, I put Abbie on my hip. Not a smart move for a woman about 50 lbs. overweight, but what else was I going to do? Besides, it wasn't that far.

When I got to the school, I tried to contain my wheezing, coughing, hacking and sputtering before I walked in the door. I signed in, took the lunchbox to the cafeteria where the school secretary met me. I turned around and headed back to the car.

On my way to the car, one of my fabulous neighbors pulled over to check on us. Really, our neighbors are the world's best. I assured her that Hubby would be there any minute. And about 10 seconds after she pulled out, he was.

It was worse than Hubby thought, but I have to say, I didn't give him a good description, either. I mean, "You have to come to me, right now. The tire is off the car," was about all he got. We unloaded one Britax carseat (aka the BEAST of carseats) and one booster seat into the 2-door Cavalier he drives and then he drove Abbie and me home. He called around and found a garage that would: 1. give him a rough estimate and 2. be able to start on the car today. Then, he called a towing service. After we ate lunch, he went to meet the tow truck.

When Hubby got home, he reported yet another "it could only happen to us" scenario. The name of the towing service was Angel's. The license plate even had ANGELS on it. This towing service is located in an area notorious for strip clubs. Hubs looked up to see this on the back of the truck:

"The only legal hookers in town."

If it weren't bad enough, the garage we took the car to is owned by people we go to church with.

This 'N That

• I had no idea that so much of my scheduling would revolve around the schedules of my 5- and 2-year-olds.
  
• Halloween 2009 netted my kids more candy than you could imagine. So many parties and activities! We definitely got our money's worth out of the costumes this year. One was free, handmade by my aunt about 25 years ago (I bought a $7 hat to complete it) and the other was $6 at a consignment sale.
  
• One had strep throat, the other had a weird stomach/diarrhea thing and both kept me crazy busy. Today, I have this sore throat business, which I know is related to my stuffy head. I'm wondering if I have a sinus infection.
  
• Want to hear something weird/interesting? If you're my friend on Facebook, you've seen my frequent posts lamenting about having pleurisy. Well, I went to the doctor and, besides putting me on Prednisone (yuck! boo!), he did a CT scan. I fully expected him to tell me to stop being a baby and suck it up or something. I mean, when I go to my family doctor, I'm usually told that he doesn't know why I'm having the pain, here try these meds, see you when I see you. So, I kind of expceted that. But, no. No, no, no.
  
  First, he asks if I spend a lot of time in the mountains. And I'm like, doc, we both grew up in southern West Virginia... you LIVE in the mountains. I wasn't trying to be rude or anything, but growing up, I lived on a hill. One year during a huge snowstorm, the snow drifts were at my hips. I mean, you can't really avoid the mountains here. My parents have had to fight forest fires to keep from getting too close to the house. It comes with the territory.
  
  He said I have calcifications on my lungs, which are basically scars due to me having had histoplasmosis at some point or other. After I scooped my jaw off the ground, I was told that there is really nothing we can do about it. Oh, and there's this one calcification near my main airway that we have to watch because if it ever errodes over into the wind pipe, I could start coughing up blood and would need to get to an ER ASAP.
  
  Yeah, freaky, right?
  
  So now I just keep praying that the pleurisy doesn't come back because HOO BOY did I ever gain weight! And I acquired chipmunk cheeks. Just in time for Christmas family photos. LOVELY! Not to mention it REALLY hurts.
  
• And, at the end of October, I decided to go with a work-from-home opportunity that is pretty promising. I'll start training in about a week through New Year's. I'm excited but nervous. Aaannnnd.... I submitted an application to a teaching program. I'm just throwing all my irons in the fire. Just waitin' to see what God wants me to do.
  
• In the middle of all this, Hubby and I decided to start following Dave Ramsey's Financial Freedom program. Even though I know a budget is in no way a punishment, it really FEELS like it, especially at this time of year. I keep seeing things I want, but don't need and some times it bums me out. I keep trying to focus on the goal of financial security and peace of mind. Today, it's not helping. :-P

I've had lots of thoughts and stuff that I wanted to share over the past month or so, but I have this "helper" who literally climbs on to my lap any time I start typing a lot. And then I just get frustrated and quit. But eventually, I'd like to just write and share.

This is why I need a degree in genetics.

When people ask me about Abbie and her condition, it's really hard to explain. When I asked her awesome geneticist, even he said it was hard to explain, so it made me feel a lot better that I'm usually at a loss for words because if a geneticist says it's hard to explain, then it's hard! I felt a lot less dumb walking out of his office that day.

If you research Beckwith-Wiedemann Syndrome on Google, this link will likely be at the top of the list:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beckwith-Wiedemann_syndrome#Genetics

Thankfully, they define some of the clinical terms, such as macroglossia (large tongue), but they don't define them all. Example: hemihypertrophy (part of the body being larger than other parts, affecting either one body part, such as a hand, or an entire side of the body).

But when you get into the genetics of it, it'll make your head spin:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H19_(gene)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LIT1

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyclin-dependent_kinase_inhibitor_1C

So what is my standard answer when people ask what Beckwith-Wiedemann Syndrome is? More or less, it goes something like this:

In the early part of the pregnancy, some of the chemicals or amino acids or those basic things got messed up. The parts of her genes that are supposed to send a signal to the cells to start growing, then stop, didn't stop properly. So, the caused a chain reaction and it caused her to have the issues such as one side of her body being larger than the other, her tongue to be large and her intestines to be outside her body.

I'm sure this is wrong on so many levels, but for now, it's the best way I know how to explain.

Sometimes I forget.

Sometimes I forget Abbie has BWS. Over the last 2 years and the numerous appointments with doctors, specialists, experts and lab & ultrasound techs, you'd never think that I would forget, but actually most of the time, I do.

Because Abbie is Abbie. Plain and simple.

I set out telling everyone that BWS doesn't define Abbie and it never has. It doesn't mean that I am blind to her challenges. It means that she is my child. I won't let her slide because of the BWS but also, I will do everything in my power to make sure she gets everything she needs to make this diagnosis more manageable in her everyday life.

Most days, I am just dealing with typical two-year-old behavior. I play the referee to the girls' bickering. I have to reel her in because she doesn't know fear. We read books. We play. I give her baths and make her meals and have the same everyday normal life that most moms do.

Then there are the days when it occurs to me that she's tripping more.

The day during which I take my two children to Lexington-by myself-to Shriner's Hospital, where her doctors tell me the limb length discrepancy has gotten worse. They tell me she needs a shoe lift and I take off her left tennis shoe and leave it for them to work with.

Weird how bringing home one shoe can affect you.

There was the day when I realized I had forgotten to get her AFP test done. The awful guilt that came with that realization came in waves over several days.

Of course, there are the days every six weeks we have the aforementioned AFP test done. And the days every 3 months when she has abdominal ultrasounds before which she cannot eat or drink anything after midnight AND she's held down for it, which completely freaks her out.

And then there are days like tonight. Hubby came home with the name of a highly respected doctor who was recommended by a co-worker: http://www.lengthening.us . While I know that his intentions were excellent, my heart kind of sank.

Geez Louise, why this bums me out is beyond me. I think a big part of it is because I've read up. I know that it's likely that she'll need 2 types of surgeries to make her legs more even in length. The first would be when she's about 8 or 9 and the doctors would go in and basically break the growth plates in her right leg. That's the easy one. If we/they wanted to try for more (usually when you're trying to even up 2 inches or more), there's the type of surgery where the doctors would basically break her legs and attach apparatuses that would keep her bones from completely healing. Rather, we would turn screws/bolts and keep separating them until the desired length was achieved. That is the painful one.

And all I know is, I don't want her to have to go through it. I pray and hope for a miracle. My heart always holds the hidden prayer that she will one day be completely whole in her body and not need all the poking, prodding and surgeries. This mother's prayer has never been forgotten, but sometimes the reality of what is at this moment slaps me across the face. Hard.

I Heart Mrs. Meyers Clean Day Products!

My box of Mrs. Meyers' Clean Day products arrived yesterday evening. I felt like a kid at Christmas when I got home from church and found it waiting for me, and I anxiously opened the container.

I have to say that I chose their Lemon Verbena scent because I'm not into Basil. Lavender is ok, so I might try that scent next time... sometimes, it's overpowering. Geranuim? No, thanks. Baby Blossom is a possibility, as well. They have scent free products, too. I guess the smart thing would have been to order products in scents I think I'd like!

I used the bathroom products this morning: shower spray, cleaning wipes and the toilet cleaner. I like the shower spray. I LOVE the cleaning wipes! LOVE THEM. Why? They are thicker than Clorox wipes. They are biodegradeable. They smell lovely. The toilet cleaner was so-so. I think I feel this way because of marketing, to be honest. I've previously used the Clorox with bleach cleaner that is VERY thick and this toilet cleaner isn't very thick at all. It cleaned the toilet, so no complaints. I think I just need to be de-programmed from all the TV marketing! :-)

I've yet to use the window cleaner and the Sweet Pea kitchen cleaners. The Sweet Pea stuff smells just like garden. It's formulated to smell like that... like fresh picked sweet peas. Hubs really liked it. Me, not so much. He also said he thought the Lemon Verbena smelled like rest-stops. I don't agree, but that's his take.

For more cool cleaning info, visit Mrs. Meyer's sister company, Caldera, for some neat laundry tips:

http://www.caldrea.com/CaldreaInstitute.aspx?CategoryName=Professional%20Laundry%20Secrets

It's all intermingled.

This week, I've been trying to finish cleaning out the garage once and for all. We had a yard sale today and will have another on Friday. Tomorrow, we'll be in Lexington at Shriner's Hospital for an annual check-up.

To keep me inspired, I've been watching "Clean House" on the Style Network.

It's kind of weird to hear the hosts saying to the family what I keep saying to myself. "It's not the stuff that's important; it's the memories."

I have to admit that I have been pretty awful about associating memories or traditions to stuff. So-and-so gave me/my kids this. That is from my grandma's house.

And you know, I think that kind of thinking holds a lot of people back. Listen, the people who love you most should want the best for you. And the best is not holding on to stuff you don't use. It's not the things that matter; it's the people, and the most important people want you to be able to enjoy your home and, you know, be able to actually park in your garage. (Ahem)

So, while I'm not blogging, I'm busy trying to make a better life. But I promise photos of the bathroom and maybe even our progress in the garage!

For more inspiration, check out these awesome blog posts:

http://unfamiliarpaths.blogspot.com/2009/06/dealing-with-change.html

http://notinkansas.wordpress.com/2009/05/03/thoughts-about-our-best-year-yet/

....Too Much to Do, Not Enough Time to Post...

Reasons I haven't been blogging:

1. Trying to sort through clothes, toys and what-not for an upcoming yard sale.
2. Either re-sorting or flopping on the couch and momentarily giving up after my "helpers" have unsorted the clothes, toys and what-not for the yard sale.
3. Pressure washing our fence.
4. Peeling from the sunburn acquired from the day spent pressure washing the fence.
5. Attending the wake and funeral of my grandmother's husband.
6. Being wiped out from nursery duty at church.
7. Finding good deals (Y'all won't believe the deal I got on a Macclaren stroller!).
8. Wishing and hoping and dreaming about a beach vacation, if Hubs gets a bonus this summer.
9. My job as the girls' social director.
10. Doctors appointments and routine bloodwork.

In the meantime, I'm going to respond to a comment from my most previous post:

Great reminder. I'm very struck by how different the tone is in this entry compared with your pre-pregnancy posts. God really has changed you in some profound ways, huh? You've been walking through a LOT of refinement in the couple years I've been reading your blog. It's encouraging to watch (read?)

First, thank you. I hope I'm growing and that I am learning the lessons God has been trying to teach me.

Second, infertility is so many things, one of the primary things being frustrating. And I used my blog to vent a lot of that frustration because most people I know don't understand. Not to mention that there was an odd baby boom going on all around me at the time, further aggravating the frustration.

Third, once you go through what we have, your priorities have so quickly aligned that things that used to bug the crap outta me don't so much anymore. Really, I think it's the perspective that comes along with a situation like that. Also, and so very importantly, through my pregnancy with Abbie, I learned that, in reality, we have no control over anything. The only thing we can do is put it (whatever it is at the time) in God's hands and wait. The answer isn't ours; it's His. The timing isn't ours; it's His.

As frustrating as that was for me during when we were trying to get pregnant, oddly, it's kind of refreshing now, because I've learned that when the only thing we can do is lean on God and trust Him, we best do it, because we'll drive ourselves crazy trying to fix it on our own. During my pregnancy, God did a work in me. Some people call it a gift. But basically, it's this:

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

People were actually kind of shocked that we weren't freaking out during my pregnancy. But, when God gives you a gift of peace, it might not make sense to a lot of people. Yes, we knew what the statistics were. Yes, we knew there was a chance our baby might not live. It was a process of leaning more on God and less on ourselves or even on modern medicine. Especially, it was a process of trusting more and more in God and His word.

No, I'm not where I need to be, but I hope I'm a few steps ahead of where I used to be.

Working with the organizer... again...

The professional organizer I hired last summer is coming back today.

*sigh*

It's not her; it's me. Actually, we didn't get our projects finished, and between crazy work for me and what not, we haven't met since September or October. Today will be pretty much us starting over.

I hate that I "need" someone to help me get my home the way I want it.

I wish I was a little OCD about my house. But, my pendulum swings the other way... not to mention that I am related to a hoarder and that kind of stuff is genetic (really! Someone told me that hoarding is on the same spectrum as OCD... long, long explanation as to why, but in short, people can get a bit overwhelmed with wanting to categorize all their stuff (the OCD part of it), so they just kind of shut down and do nothing... there are many other components to it, as well.. too much to list here).

But I'm not going to say it's necessarily in my genes. For me, my M.O. has always been that when things are really rough, I shut down a bit. I kind of wallow in a depressive state for a while, but when I finally want to dig my way out (literally and metaphorically), I get overwhelmed. I hate that about me.

I'm trying to re-frame the organizing thing... trying to look at is as "life coaching," because that's what it is. But I have to admit, I feel pretty pathetic about it. In a way, it's kind of like hiring a professional personal trainer. In a way, it's like hiring a maid, only on a much bigger scale. It's kind of like joining Weight Watchers. All these things help you reshape your life and improve your life.

In many ways, I want to reshape and improve my life. Those areas are my weight, my health, my relationships and my home. Wanting better is a good thing and I know that getting help in any of those areas really is a good thing.

But why do I still feel like a loser?

Something's Gotta Give

I'm packing to take our youngest to Cincinnati for her yearly appoinntments. Packing is depressing when you've gained weight, because it makes you realize:

1. Even though you may have a closet or drawers full of clothes, hardly any of them fit. Very. Few. Fit.

2. How big the clothes that fit are.

3. How often I have to do laundry to keep my fat clothes clean. If you don't have a lot, you wear the same stuff over and over and over.

I didn't want to buy a lot of larger clothes because I thought it would motivate me to lose weight. That theory hasn't panned out. Until now.

I've GOT to do something. My fat clothes are getting tight, which means I've gained probably 5 more pounds, which means I'm officially bigger than I've ever been.

Healthwise, this doesn't bode well, either. My cholesterol has been boderline high/high and I'm sure this extra poundage isn't helping. I prefer to not take the prescription medications to help lower cholesterol because they can cause severe birth defects. Even though we aren't trying to have more children, surprises do happen. So I'd rather not even bother with it.

Gar....

Wants vs. Needs

I've been thinking a lot about my last post and I've been thinking about the situation, in general, a lot this week.

I've even talked about it Facebook! So, if we are "friends" there, you'll see that, too. Obviously, I'm thinking about this a lot.

My needing to go back to work full-time isn't all about the house, although I think it might have sounded that way in my previous post. It's just my focus right now. Focusing on what needs to be done in a more tangeable way. Because focusing on paying off bills and debt is:

1. Boring, in the sense that you can't actually see the payoff. Maybe it's more of a feeling, or it's the "place" we'll be in once that's done (I don't think this part is making sense... so, moving on...)

2. Overwhelming. With medical bills, student loans still floating out there needing to be paid off, and a mortgage that is considerably more than we had originally agreed to (long story which I cannot discuss).

Focusing my attention on our 35+ year old house is what I am doing because I am living in it and can see with my own two eyes what needs to be done in order to make it market-ready: kitchen update, new carpet throughout, new fixutres throughout, paint inside and out, mending and painting the fence (or tearing it down completely, can't decide).

The thing is, we are blessed in that we have a roof over our heads when so many people in our country now don't. We are blessed to have enough food in our freezer and pantry when so many in our nation have to rely on food banks. We are blessed to have not one, but two vehicles and have enough money to put fuel into the gas tanks.

It's not that I'm ungrateful, but I bet it seems I am. I just want more and better for our family, and I think that a lot of people are feeling that. Maybe not. But, I want us to be able to live as debt-free as possible. I want our financial situation to be the best it can be.

As far as the house... I'd rather live in house we chose ourselves. I'd rather live in house that is free from all familial ties. And legal ones. I'd rather live in a home that is large enough and comfortable for us. This house doesn't offer any of what I want. But I realize that today, for now, I have to put my wants aside and work towards making a better life for us. Our needs are covered. My wants are intertwined with my goals for our family's finances. Please bear with me as I try to sort this out.

Putting It into God's Hands

I scour the Sunday newspaper. Mostly for coupons, but I always check the classified ads. I've always looked at the classifieds, even when I'm happy with my current job because you never know when your dream job will be listed.

Last week, I found something very close to what I would call my dream job.

We have talked about it at length, what it means for our family and how things would change should I be offered the job.

It's not that I don't want to stay home with the girls. My preference is to stay home until Abbie is at least 3, preferrably 4. But I sit here and look at our situation and realize that I need to generate more money than my part-time retail stint is providing, should we want to realize our goals for our family sooner rather than later.

I was chatting with one of my oldest, dearest and best friends a couple of weeks ago and we were talking about how we use coupons and what-not to save money. She, a doctor and married to a doctor, told me that people look at her as if she has two heads when she talks of saving money. People say to her all the time, "I don't understand why you don't get _____. You guys can afford it."

Similarly, people have said to us, "You all have insurance. I don't see how or why you would have issues with your finances."

Well, yeah, we have health insurance. Being the daughter of a Type 1 diabetic, insurance was always a necessity in my view of What One Needs For Life.

My friend, Dr. K., and I were talking about how easily and quickly a family can get into debt with medical bills. She flat out said, "I wouldn't be surprised at all if you all had over $100,000 in medical bills."

I could've hugged her neck, right then and there, if she wasn't in Texas.

She gets it. Most people don't. While we do have health insurance, we still have to pay for it. We have to pay for deductibles and the expenses our plan doesn't cover. When Abbie was born, Hubby had a different job that provided different benefits. If I remember correctly, hospitalization was covered 80%.

Considering Abbie's NICU bill alone was over $130,000, our portion to pay would be over $25,000. Not to mention the cost of her birth (c-section), her omphalocele surgery (not covered in the NICU bill), and her tongue reduction surgery. That's just the first 5 months of life and doesn't include all the follow-up appointments, quarterly ultrasounds and blood work every 6 weeks. It adds up very quickly!

Then, add to the mix that for 4 years, we were involved in a lawsuit (read: attorney fees) and we had another house we were trying to sell (yes, that's two mortgages!), you can perhaps have a better understanding of what life has been like for the past 4 years.

The truth is, I hate our house. It's not big enough, for one thing. Then there's the aforementioned legal issues. It's just not the place I want us to call Home. About a month or so ago, I told my husband that I am heart-hungry for a new home that is all ours, something we chose and made our own.

Our financial goals for our family are:

1. Get out of debt
2. Update the house so it is more appealing to buyers. This includes a sorely needed kitchen update, carpet and new fixtures throughout. Plus paint and carpet. Look, this house needs a LOT of TLC.
3. Put ourselves into a situation where we can sell this house and find a new one

Renovating a house requires money. Improving our financial situation requires better budgeting, saving money and paying off debt, which means, in some ways, making more money.

And still, knowing all this, I so strongly feel that my place is really home with our girls. I love being able to pick up my oldest daughter, or giving out treats at her school for Halloween dress-up, or helping with the Valentine's Day party. That's the golden ticket. Those are the golden nuggets and diamonds of motherhood.

I keep telling myself that I only have so long with my girls, then they'll be grown. Then I look around me and see thousands of people losing their jobs and looking for work. People aren't job-hopping as they did in the 90's. It's different now and I'm not sure when a job like this will become available again and that is the ONLY reason I am considering this one.

Rather than looking around me, be it at the house I loathe or the economy, I am trying to keep looking up, to my Source and Provider, knowing that He knows what my daughters, my family and I need most.

Help me, Jesus!

If I'm having one of "those days," you'll often hear me fling up this prayer to Heaven: "Help me, Jesus!" Borne partly from frustration and partly from the realization that without divine intervention, I might not make it through the day.

Days like last Wednesday. It had rained here for days and Wednesday offered the promise that Spring will, indeed, come. Wednesday gave us a hint, just a sneak peek, at what the next couple of months would have to offer: sunshine, a slight breeze, the perfect day to go play at a park.

In theory, going to the park was a perfect idea. Hannah was out of pre-school on Spring Break, so I knew the park would be more crowded than normal. But we all have a case of cabin fever, and any time the sun shines, she asks if we can go outside to play. You know, because if the sun is shinning, it must be warm enough to play outside. Only, on Wednesday, it was.

Abbie hadn't had a nap, but that isn't so uncommon when the schedule is changed a bit. My thought was that she would play and wear herself down, then fall asleep on the way home, allowing me have only one child underfoot while I made dinner.

She enjoyed the baby slide and was having a great time, but kept wanting to run over to the swings. Not knowing that if she got too close, she'd have her clock cleaned, I kept herding her back to the slide. Finally, one of the two baby swings was available. I darted over with her. She loved it. She kept saying, "Whee!" and smiled that perfect little toothy grin.

Then a dad came over holding a baby who looked to be about a year old, maybe. Wanting to be a "good mom," who teaches by example, in this case, taking turns and sharing, I tried to get Abbie out of the swing so this new duo could have a turn. "Tried" being the key term here. She latched her fingers around the chains so tightly, I had to literally pry her little fingers from them.

Then It happened.

"It" being the Perfect Storm of a toddler being tired, cranky, and not wanting to give up her swing.

This normally happy, adorable little girl threw a fit. She arched her back. She screamed. She collapsed into a heap of a toddler in tears onto the muddy ground, covering her entire back side (even her hair) with mud. I picked her up and she kicked like a mule. I tried standing her up and managed to get myself covered in mud, thanks to her kicking. I tried redirecting her with a sippy of water, then with her bottle, aka her soothie. Nothing doing. She was done. And so was I.

Of course, other mothers (or perhaps Nannies? Both? With this crowd, it was hard to tell the difference) kept shooting me these looks. You know what I'm talking about. As if their child(ren) had never done such a thing. As if I was Loser Mother.

I called out to Hannah and told her we had to go, which brought on the pleading of, "It's not fair!" You're telling me! I agreed that it wasn't fair, and promised to bring her back on the next nice day.

Yes, Abbie fell asleep in the car on the way home. Less than a mile from the park. No, I didn't get to enjoy cooking with only one child needing my attention. I was exhausted. Cooking was just another chore on Wednesday night. On top of all that, I had to work that evening.

So Thursday dawned with new hope. For the first part of the day, I was happy to put the previous day behind me. Hubby came home during his lunch hour and told me that, no, he hadn't bathed Abbie the night before like I had asked. He apologized and started running bath water. Around 1 in the afternoon, I gave my now happy toddler a bath and she was enjoying it. So much that rather than risk another "fit," I decided to let the water out first, then get her out of the tub, thinking that without the water, she might not resist.

Seemed like a good plan, only when I tried to pull her up and out of the tub, she stiffened her body and gave me this look. Then, she went in the tub. Oh, how I wish it were only "number 1," but no, my baby does it all the way. With toys still in the tub and not understanding why a diaper is not covering her bottom while she does this. I scream in shock, which prompts Hannah to come running in to investigate. I shoo her out, then get the baby out of the tub, slap a diaper on her bum and then set to cleaning up. Hannah, being a typical 5-year-old, keeps trying to check it out, asking a thousand and one questions until I finally say, "Come in here for a second." I show her what her sister "produced" and explain that I have to clean it out of the tub, then I have to disinfect the tub and the toys. "Oh," she says, very clear on what has just happened and wanting nothing to do with the clean-up.

"Help me, Jesus!" I exclaim.

So, just when the bathroom has been cleaned and things have started to settle down, I notice that Hannah doesn't quite look right. I feel her forehead, then get the thermometer. Low-grade fever of 99.9. I don't panic, but keep an eye on her. Then, about an hour before Hubby should be home, she throws up.

By the end of the night, her temp had reached 101.1 and she'd thrown up twice. I fell asleep in the rocking chair and Hub proved himself "Husband of the Year" by taking over and even popping a lasagna into the oven.

The next day wasn't quite so adventurous. I took Hannah to our pediatrician's office where they ruled out strep throat and some sort of flu by way of a nasal swab. We then went downstairs to the lab to get Abbie's AFP blood work done.

In times like these, Jesus really does help me out. I have no idea why I feel the need to bark out a "prayer" like that, as if I need to yell just a little to get his attention.

I found this wonderful, and for me, timely, blog post:
http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-letter-to-young-mom.html

It kind of helps to know that I'm not the only one.

Motherhood can be lonely and isolating, especially when you are a "Stay-At-Home Mom." Little adult interaction. Days spent doing kids stuff will make you wonder why you spent all that money and effort getting your Bachelor of Arts degree, after all. Not to mention that our society doesn't value motherhood, and in many ways, the at-home mother.

During days (or weeks) like these, I keep thinking of the Bible verses (perhaps it was parable and for the life of me, I cannot remember the exact quotation or where it is. Sarah? Angie? If y'all are reading, I could use some help). But the gist of the story is, even when you have a "bad boss," work as if you are working for the Lord.

Even though my children aren't my bosses, I am working for them. I am giving my time to them and am praying that my time with them is good and life-building. Even on crazy days like these.

Kind of freaked out

The news of Natasha Richardson's death has kind of freaked me out.

Especially because I am the mother of two children, one of whom is a toddler.

It just seems surreal that something so... ordinary and common has completely and forever changed this family.

She fell and bumped her head. My kids do that, too, especially the little one.

It's just so scary that something so seemingly uneventful ended up taking this woman's life. I wish I could completely protect my children from all bumps, bruises and falls.