Help me, Jesus!

If I'm having one of "those days," you'll often hear me fling up this prayer to Heaven: "Help me, Jesus!" Borne partly from frustration and partly from the realization that without divine intervention, I might not make it through the day.

Days like last Wednesday. It had rained here for days and Wednesday offered the promise that Spring will, indeed, come. Wednesday gave us a hint, just a sneak peek, at what the next couple of months would have to offer: sunshine, a slight breeze, the perfect day to go play at a park.

In theory, going to the park was a perfect idea. Hannah was out of pre-school on Spring Break, so I knew the park would be more crowded than normal. But we all have a case of cabin fever, and any time the sun shines, she asks if we can go outside to play. You know, because if the sun is shinning, it must be warm enough to play outside. Only, on Wednesday, it was.

Abbie hadn't had a nap, but that isn't so uncommon when the schedule is changed a bit. My thought was that she would play and wear herself down, then fall asleep on the way home, allowing me have only one child underfoot while I made dinner.

She enjoyed the baby slide and was having a great time, but kept wanting to run over to the swings. Not knowing that if she got too close, she'd have her clock cleaned, I kept herding her back to the slide. Finally, one of the two baby swings was available. I darted over with her. She loved it. She kept saying, "Whee!" and smiled that perfect little toothy grin.

Then a dad came over holding a baby who looked to be about a year old, maybe. Wanting to be a "good mom," who teaches by example, in this case, taking turns and sharing, I tried to get Abbie out of the swing so this new duo could have a turn. "Tried" being the key term here. She latched her fingers around the chains so tightly, I had to literally pry her little fingers from them.

Then It happened.

"It" being the Perfect Storm of a toddler being tired, cranky, and not wanting to give up her swing.

This normally happy, adorable little girl threw a fit. She arched her back. She screamed. She collapsed into a heap of a toddler in tears onto the muddy ground, covering her entire back side (even her hair) with mud. I picked her up and she kicked like a mule. I tried standing her up and managed to get myself covered in mud, thanks to her kicking. I tried redirecting her with a sippy of water, then with her bottle, aka her soothie. Nothing doing. She was done. And so was I.

Of course, other mothers (or perhaps Nannies? Both? With this crowd, it was hard to tell the difference) kept shooting me these looks. You know what I'm talking about. As if their child(ren) had never done such a thing. As if I was Loser Mother.

I called out to Hannah and told her we had to go, which brought on the pleading of, "It's not fair!" You're telling me! I agreed that it wasn't fair, and promised to bring her back on the next nice day.

Yes, Abbie fell asleep in the car on the way home. Less than a mile from the park. No, I didn't get to enjoy cooking with only one child needing my attention. I was exhausted. Cooking was just another chore on Wednesday night. On top of all that, I had to work that evening.

So Thursday dawned with new hope. For the first part of the day, I was happy to put the previous day behind me. Hubby came home during his lunch hour and told me that, no, he hadn't bathed Abbie the night before like I had asked. He apologized and started running bath water. Around 1 in the afternoon, I gave my now happy toddler a bath and she was enjoying it. So much that rather than risk another "fit," I decided to let the water out first, then get her out of the tub, thinking that without the water, she might not resist.

Seemed like a good plan, only when I tried to pull her up and out of the tub, she stiffened her body and gave me this look. Then, she went in the tub. Oh, how I wish it were only "number 1," but no, my baby does it all the way. With toys still in the tub and not understanding why a diaper is not covering her bottom while she does this. I scream in shock, which prompts Hannah to come running in to investigate. I shoo her out, then get the baby out of the tub, slap a diaper on her bum and then set to cleaning up. Hannah, being a typical 5-year-old, keeps trying to check it out, asking a thousand and one questions until I finally say, "Come in here for a second." I show her what her sister "produced" and explain that I have to clean it out of the tub, then I have to disinfect the tub and the toys. "Oh," she says, very clear on what has just happened and wanting nothing to do with the clean-up.

"Help me, Jesus!" I exclaim.

So, just when the bathroom has been cleaned and things have started to settle down, I notice that Hannah doesn't quite look right. I feel her forehead, then get the thermometer. Low-grade fever of 99.9. I don't panic, but keep an eye on her. Then, about an hour before Hubby should be home, she throws up.

By the end of the night, her temp had reached 101.1 and she'd thrown up twice. I fell asleep in the rocking chair and Hub proved himself "Husband of the Year" by taking over and even popping a lasagna into the oven.

The next day wasn't quite so adventurous. I took Hannah to our pediatrician's office where they ruled out strep throat and some sort of flu by way of a nasal swab. We then went downstairs to the lab to get Abbie's AFP blood work done.

In times like these, Jesus really does help me out. I have no idea why I feel the need to bark out a "prayer" like that, as if I need to yell just a little to get his attention.

I found this wonderful, and for me, timely, blog post:
http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-letter-to-young-mom.html

It kind of helps to know that I'm not the only one.

Motherhood can be lonely and isolating, especially when you are a "Stay-At-Home Mom." Little adult interaction. Days spent doing kids stuff will make you wonder why you spent all that money and effort getting your Bachelor of Arts degree, after all. Not to mention that our society doesn't value motherhood, and in many ways, the at-home mother.

During days (or weeks) like these, I keep thinking of the Bible verses (perhaps it was parable and for the life of me, I cannot remember the exact quotation or where it is. Sarah? Angie? If y'all are reading, I could use some help). But the gist of the story is, even when you have a "bad boss," work as if you are working for the Lord.

Even though my children aren't my bosses, I am working for them. I am giving my time to them and am praying that my time with them is good and life-building. Even on crazy days like these.

Blessed

My oldest girl is 5, a very impressionable age. I think sometimes I worry too much about how to "properly" teach her things, especially about God, how to pray and the like.

Today we were "racing" each other. She loves to race and today we were racing to see who could clean a room the fastest. Really, in this case, "cleaning" is a relative term used to describe the actual act of picking up toys and clothes off the floor. She wanted to clean the TV room and she directed me to clean her room. She's a genius, I tell ya.

So, just as we were beginning our race, I ran and my pinky toe caught the corner of the baby gate. Man, did it hurt! She asked what was wrong and I told her I cracked my toe, saying that because my toe actually did pop, just as fingers crack when you squeeze them the right way.

As soon as those words left my mouth, I regretted my choice of "cracked" because that's how she describes my dad's amputated toes. When she first saw them (well after the surgery... a year or two maybe) she asked what made his toes crack off.

My girl immediately ran to her bed and prayed for her Mommy's toes. I hadn't even asked her to pray for me, but she sprang into action. Her prayer was quick and urgent.

What made me giggle was when she said, "God, please touch her and if it still hurts, touch her again."

She doesn't really need to be taught, does she? At 5, she understands prayer, urgent prayer (praying right then and there) and that sometimes, we've just got to keep praying until it's better. Those are lessons we could all learn again and again.

Sleigh Ride

This is video I took with our digital camera. I'm surprised the video is so clear. I'm also surprised that I sound like that.

BUT, this was SO FUN. Though we were just outside an hour, it was one of the best hours I've had with my first girl.

If you can get past my goofy cackle, I hope you can see how contagious our giggling was and how funny it was.



Sleigh Ride from Aimee on Vimeo.

Snow Day

The web is a little buggy today, so I'll need to post some things seperately.

School was canceled in our county today, so Hannah's pre-school was cancelled as well. We went out to play and part of it is captured here. Enjoy!



Hannah Playing in the Snow from Aimee Cantrell on Vimeo.

For Abbie

Because I'm sappy and because I've been looking for ways to teach both my daughters, but especially Abbie, self-worth. And because the TV show, "Touched by an Angel" and "Little House on the Prairie" are pretty much the only decent shows on daytime television.

This is what I'd like to teach my children, taken from an episode this week:

From the TV Show, “Touched by an Angel” during the episode, “An Angel on My Tree”

You also have a Father in Heaven and he loves you more than you can imagine.

A boy with Tourrette's syndrome asks the angel, Monica, "How could God love me? I’m a mistake."

She responds, "God doesn’t make mistakes. What God sees as perfect is very, very different from what the world sees. The world sees faces that are beautiful and ugly. The world sees bodies that are strong and are weak; the world sees people who succeed or fail. But God sees hearts. He sees the love in your soul. He sees the beauty in your spirit. And that’s the only thing that finally matters. That’s the only thing that lasts. The person that you are, not the body that you’re in."

Whew! (aka June-July Recap)

I have had numerous posts swimming around in my brain for the past, oh... couple of months. But, as I've hinted, we've been pretty busy and there hasn't been a lot of time for posting long, thoughtful messages, so I've kept them on the shelf. It's time to unload, so here goes. Grab a cup of coffee or tea and let's sit a spell and catch up.

June 2008

Another Milestone

The beginning of June marked the first anniversary of another Abbie/BWS milestone, when we went to the Fetal Care Center in Cincinnati. I was at my parents' house on the actual day (June 6) and it was pretty emotional. I've found that this summer, I get pretty emotional as each anniversary rolls around (odd to call them that, but what other word should I use? Those were pretty important days during my pregnancy with Abbie). My thought is that, last summer, I was trying to get through each day, each week, the best I could so that Abbie wouldn't be stressed and that I'd stay pregnant for as long as possible.

Because what I can say now, but couldn't say then, was that while we were at the FCC, we were told that if Abbie was born before 32 weeks, she would die. Even if we made it to the 32 week mark, she could still die. And so, I felt a tremendous weight on my shoulders for the remainder of the pregnancy. We learned that 50% of all babies prenatally diagnosed with BWS are stillborn. Even if I did everything my incredible team of doctors told me to do, we could still lose her. And those words, so stark and scary.... I couldn't even say the words last summer. I couldn't type them, either. I just could not put those words out into the universe and even give thought to the chance that I could lose the child I had so desperately wanted and had tried for over a year to conceive. I just Could Not Do That. I had to hope. I had to push on, praying more and harder than I ever had that God's hand would be on us both and that she would be born alive and that I wouldn't have a seizure or stroke from the pre-eclampsia.

I was a lot sicker than I let on, and looking back, I was a lot sicker than even I realized.

Funny how hindsight is 20/20, isn't it?

The milestone of June 6 is one that is intensely personal and private, and for the most part, I will keep it that way, sharing it with Abbie when she is old enough to understand the concept of the amazing miracle she is. I will say, though, that I sincerely love the staff at FCC, I love each and every doctor who lent his or her knowledge and expertise to help Abbie get here safe and sound, and I love each and every doctor, nurse and therapist who help nurture and guide her once she was here. My appreciation, gratitude and love for them is so much more than I can articulate and I will always think of them, my heart swollen with thankfulness.

A trip to Florida

Also in June, we took Abbie to Lakeland, Florida. If you haven't heard, there is an on-going revival there. I still haven't decided what to think or say about the experience. Until I do, there's nothing I can share that will make any sense.

July 2008

I cannot understand how this month has gone by so quickly. How is it that I am typing this on July 21? It seems that just a few days ago, we were celebrating Independence Day. This month has been pretty busy, with the middle of the month being occupied by our first Family Vacation. My cousin was married at Myrtle Beach on July 12th at sunset, and since we were using a travel gift certificate to go there for the wedding, we decided to stay a week and enjoy it. After all, it makes no sense to me to drive 8 hours one way to just stay a few days. Both girls enjoyed the sand and the ocean so much that my mom is deeming them both Beach Bums.

I wasn't sure how either girl would take to the sand, but I can report that both loved playing in/with it, running or crawling on it, and they pretty much spent the entire time covered with it. Hannah, taking after her dad, had to rinse off the sand immediately once she was finished with any particular sand castle or digging. Abbie didn't mind it at all, to the point that she boldly crawled around without being fussy and didn't even complain too much when her diapers were filled with it.

The ocean was Hannah's favorite part and each day, she grew bolder and bolder, venturing out a little further. The first day, she was brave enough for wet toes and feet, and by the time we left, she was ok with being in up to her knees. Abbie enjoyed the ocean as well, splashing about in the water and holding her breath when a wave splashed her face. She is fearless and this trip has shown me that there is no end to her bravery and that the next few years will keep me very busy.

Our last evening at the beach, we had a professional photography shoot, our first family photo. I can't believe that our oldest child is 4 1/2 and we've never had one done, but I thought that it was high time we had a family photo made and the info on the website was more than I could take, so I scheduled a session. The wind was fierce, as a tropical storm was brewing off the North Carolina coast, so she had to take 80 shots. There are so many good ones that we're planning on buying the CD. You'll understand why when you see the photos. But that might be a while, because the CD is going to cost around $150-$170 and we need to recuperate financially from the vacation before doing anything extra. Such is life when you live paycheck to paycheck.

Though it probably wasn't the wisest choice to go to the beach until we had saved more money,I wonder how long it would've taken us to finally make the decision and action to go. Does that make sense? I'm not sure how a lot of people live, but it seems for us, we hope for "one of these days," "one day" or "some day." My oldest baby will be going to Kindergarten in a year, and I don't want her childhood to slip by without making these kinds of memories, no matter what we have to sacrifice.

Looking Ahead

Speaking of finances, I am trying to figure out what to do. I have wanted to do a program that would allow me to work from home, making as much as $14 an hour. It requires a $200 investment, which we don't have. Even with our former home finally sold, we still don't have extra and coast along on fumes a lot during the week before payday. The perfect situation would allow me to stay at home with the girls indefinitely; however, I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that says that I'm going to have to go back to work, at least part-time, just so we can keep our heads above water.

As I've mentioned before, I am thinking of getting my teaching certificate and perhaps even my Master's, in education. But that takes money, a commodity in short supply since we moved to the house in which we now live, tried to and finally sold the former home and were sued. (Long, long story that I cannot legally get into on a public blog).

At Hannah's dance class, I met a woman who works at a local children's clothing store. It sounds like a great answer for our present needs and may be the answer to prayers in providing extra income to allow me to either get the teaching certificate or do the work-from-home business.

While browsing the classifieds this morning, I came across an ad for a copy writer, which would be a dream job for me. It would be full-time and would require putting both girls in daycare. I would love to have this kind of opportunity, and yet wonder what kind of impact it would have on my children. Mother's guilt never ends, does it?

I do plan on getting back to finishing the garage. Right now, there are bathroom and plumbing tools and parts scattered everywhere, in addition to all the things that already needed to be purged or organized. I told Paul this morning that I strongly feel that the garage project and hopefully, the house, should be cleaned out and organized before Abbie's FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY in roughly 6 weeks (can you believe it?!??!?). That, too, will require money for a babysitter and for the organizer to come back and lend her help and get-up-and-go. How I hope I can find the momentum I previously had! And how I hope Paul finishes the bathroom (no, it was never finished.... only the bath tub was installed. My house is still in complete and utter chaos).

Looking ahead, I have a LOT to do, to plan for and I hope to accomplish most of my goals. But mostly, I just want to enjoy my girls, the summer and plan for the future ahead of us.