Psst....

Hey! If anyone is still lurking around over here, I just wanted you to know that I posted something over at my new place, and I'm {SO} excited about it!

Wanna know what it is?

Click here to find out! Don't miss it... there's a little something for you, in the way of a coupon code for DaySpring!

Moving Day

I've been thinking about moving my blog to Word Press for perhaps a year now. I thought it would be a daunting task, but it turns out, it's pretty easy.

Considering the formatting issues and some new changes that are coming (I'm so excited!), I thought this was the best time.

Come see me at http://wvgurl.wordpress.com/ .

She finished the race.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. - 2 Timothy 4:7

Gran finished her race on April 6th.

I knew I would miss her, but I never fully realized that this ache would be so deep. She was the person I shared everything with and now I wonder, who will I talk to now? Who will fill that void?

I know that no one can really fill the void she leaves. I know that there's ever been and will only ever be one Gran.

As in life, in death she was completely individual and original. At her request, she had a white casket with red interior, which had to be custom ordered. What Betty wanted, Betty got. The services were just perfect, if you can that about funeral services. A heaping helping of humor helped us remember her without tears, if for a moment.

My 7 year old's heart is so sad. She keeps saying, "I just can't stand the thought that she's gone." When did she grow up and become so mature?

My 3 year old goes back and forth between saying, "I miss Gran so much" or "I love Gran" to "We need to wake up Gran."

That's the kind of stuff I don't remember reading in the "What to Expect" books. How to guide a child through loss and grief.

As for me, I've been nearly paralyzed with grief at times and today, I felt lighter for a few hours. Then I saw something that she had given my mother-in-law and was heavy hearted again. This is the way it goes. I know that, and even though it's been 5 years since our family lost someone, it's different this time. Partly because we were so close, and my grandfather was closer to my brother and my cousin. Partly because last time, we had 11 months to prepare ourselves, as opposed to 7 weeks. It's the same in that, with both, I really thought (hoped and prayed) that my grandparent would get well and be with us for years.

She's been gone for 10 days. I've quit counting the times I've picked up the phone to call her.

Letting Go

Again, my apologies for the strange formatting. Word Press may be getting another user, as I'm just about done with Blogger. Today, my grandmother was transferred to a hospice house. She's been in the hospital since February 13th, and to be honest, I've kept thinking that she was going to pull out of this. All this time, I thought that she would get better. It might take a while, months probably, but she would eventually be well enough to go home. On Friday, her defibulator was turned off. Today, her doctors discontinued her medications. Bit by bit, day by day, I'm seeing that, barring a miracle, she will not get better. Not in the way I've meant it. She's only 79. I say "only" because there's a story she tells that says that my brother and I always said she'd live to be 100. That's just over 20 years away. Her birthday is June 5th. When I talked her into going to the hospital on February 13th--when she fell for the second time in three days--I told her that I wasn't ready for her to die yet. I just kept saying, "I'm not ready yet." And I'm still not. It's not that I'm afraid of where she'll spend eternity. It's because I'm selfish. I want her here, with me. She's Gran. My spicy, unconventional grandmother. The regional favorite name "Maw-maw," and the traditional "Grandmother" were probably too stuffy or matrionly for her. I remember seeing it only once, when I was in maybe the Sixth Grade, in a book. I don't recall the title and I couldn't really tell you much about the book, except bits of it, and one being that the guy's grandmother, Gran, lived in Barbados. Then, this past year, I learned that a little boy in Abbie's preschool class calls his great-grandmother Gran, the way Abbie does. I always wanted my kids to call my grandparents by the names I called them: Gran, Maw-maw, Paw-paw, and Nanny (my great-grandmother, who passed away when I was 15). I want my kids to know her the way I did, even though the Gran I knew as a child has turned into a much more fragile one who cannot travel, go for a drive, or go on marathon shopping sprees the way she did when I was a little girl. Blindness and illness have changed that. They know her, but I wish they had more time with her. We lost Paw-paw when Hannah was 2; she barely remembers him and both she & Abbie mostly know him through photos and stories. I didn't think the same would be true for Gran. All I want to do is watch Shirley Temple movies with her, and sing the songs she sang to me when I was little. I'm not sure if that's crazy or silly or what, but it really is all I want to do.

The strangest part of it is that I've decided I need a dress like the one Sandra Bullock wore in "Hope Floats" for her mother's funeral. I don't know why. I don't look like Sandra Bullock. I'm way bigger than she. I have no idea why I have it in my head that I should have a black dress like this. And a similar hair style. Go figure. Now I know why Joan Didion appropriately named her novel, The Year of Magical Thinking. It's a must read if you've ever experienced loss or grief. You may not agree with everything she wrote, but her take on how it takes a while for the brain and heart to really grasp that the person you love really is gone and won't, for example, be coming back or need their shoes, is unlike anything I've ever read. I told Paul today that I don't want to think about the funeral or services. I don't want to think of Gran really dying. I don't want to think about telling the girls, though I know we need to prepare them. Also in the weird/interesting/odd (whatever) category, I've always thought that Hannah looks like the little girl in "Hope Floats." Especially now that she wears glasses. Anyway, movie stuff aside, I have to say, I'm surprised at how tired I am. It reminds me a bit of when I was pregnang (no, I'm not). My suspicion is that it's part true fatigue (trying to be everything to everyone, all the time [wife, mother, housekeeper, nursery director, errand runner & vistor for Gran]) and part grief/despression. Tonight, I went to sleep around 5:30 and woke up around 9. It's 3:07 AM, and I'm wide awake. I want off this roller coaster now, please.

Coincidence?

**I've tried several times to correct the formatting in this post, but Blogger does not want to cooperate. My apologies.** For a couple of months, I've felt that God has been trying to get me to readjust the way I see myself. Two books are on my To-Read list: Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst and Head to Toe by Annie Downs. It's no coincidence that blog posts like these keep finding their way to my laptop screen: You're the Best God's Got ,"That Mom" , and countless others that encourage me to stop comparing myself to other people, especially to other women, wives and mothers. I'm not supposed to have their strengths, and just because I don't share their strengths doesn't mean I'm weak or less. It's easier said than done, that's for sure. Remember that line in Pretty Woman? "The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?" And that's where I've been stuck for a very long time. I believe that I'm not enough, no matter the situation. I'm not enough as a wife. I'm not enough as a mother. I'm not enough as a daughter. I'm not enough as a Christian. It's been hard, and sometimes, when I watch a show about a man who spent 23 minutes in hell, I begin wondering if I'm an unsaved Christian. Add to this:

• Stuff going on with our church


• My grandma being in the hospital for 7 weeks after a fall, and her doctors now advising us to consider Hospice


• Marriage issues, which aggravate the "I'm not enough"

And the result is a very tired, very sad, and very heavy Me. I wish I could just deal and be done with any one of these issues, but they have snowballed into an avalanche. I am physically sore from all the stress.

If anyone knows of Mommy Get-aways, or inexpensive conferences or anywhere at all where I could go to be renewed and refilled, please let me know.

Happy Birthday, Erin

Erin at The Vintage Pearl is celebrating her birthday today. To celebrate, they're doing a fantastic giveaway: 5 $100 gift certificates! I encourage anyone who reads this blog to check out the giveaway (all 5 of you!). ;-) OXOXOX

Because I had to.

Because yesterday, March 6th, it snowed.

Because my tulips were trying to reach towards the sky, through the snow.

Because I've been crazy busy since my grandmother was hospitalized on February 13th.

Because I've been cooped up inside since my gall bladder surgery on February 25th.

Because I'm craving Spring now more than ever before.

A fresh look. A hint at what's to come.

What do you think of the new look?

The Bible is Kicking my Butt.

You GUYS! Do you see that blue & white button to the right of the screen? The one that says, "Join me" as I read through the Bible in 90 days? Yeah. That one.

Wow.

I was doing ok until the weekend, when I didn't have a chance to read at all, actually, so I'm way behind. I'm just beginning Exodus today and they're already in Leviticus 14.

But I'm hoping to really push through and catch up this week.

Now, reading through the Bible in just 90 days is kind of crazy, you know? My church read through the Bible in a year a few years ago. But I didn't participate. I was afraid I wouldn't stay with it, that I'd putter out around July. Which I probably would have. And then I'd feel all guilty and beat myself up about it. So I quit before I started. :-)

Seriously, I felt a tug in my spirit. I needed to do this. I need to not hop around and follow my pastor or the special speaker, and just dive in and finish. While the "read the Bible in a year" is more like a marathon, this is kind of like a sprint. A 90 day sprint, but still a sprint.

I have a few posts that have been marinating for a couple of months, actually, and I do hope to get them up. I want to post photos of the TV room now that it's been painted, but with the toys that took over since Christmas, I'd like to tidy it up a bit. I even have a photo that I took of my bathroom, which received its own little holiday/winter makeover! But the computer's hard drive has been going bad, so when Hubby finishes that (perhaps this week), I'll have more power and speed to get those done.

If you don't hear from me in a while, you'll know why. In the mean time, let's dig in to Exodus!