Scared Stiff

In my previous life (read: before I had children), I worked full-time. Mostly, I liked it. By the time my oldest child was born when I was nearly 26, I had held jobs in a wide variety of places, giving me an excellent background and great resume-worthy experience.

When my oldest was born, I wrestled with whether or not to return to work. The company for which I work allowed for up to 6 months of short-term leave, but in the end, we decided we wanted me home. With a heavy heart, I submitted my resignation letter. I just hated to leave such a great company.

I stayed home with my oldest for 17 months, until our finances dictated that I must return to full-time work immediately. I can't tell you how much heavier my heart was to leave my child in daycare to go to work. I missed out on so much of her little-ness. Even after she was 2, then even when she was 3, there were mornings when she would cry to stay home with me.

How many mornings did I arrive at work with pink, tear-stained eyes?

I landed a job with a wonderful company and was there all of 4 months before I [finally] got pregnant with my youngest daughter. I had wanted to work for this company for a long time and I think they were the best people and company that I ever worked for. I adored working there. They were so wonderful to me during my high-risk pregnancy, and even though they knew I would likely not return, they loved on me and supported me the entire time. My heart sank when our pediatrician told me to resign my position, given that my baby had an NG tube down her nose for feedings and that there are no daycare facilities in my area that can take care of medically needy babies.

I left the work force with no idea when I might return. I thought about when I might go back to work, but it all depended on how well the little one was. Well, you know the answer to that! She's a fireball full of activity. No delays. Aside from her shoe lifts, no needs whatsoever.

But have you tried to find a job lately? Wowza.

I talked about trying to work from home, but most of the time, there were costs associated, if not for membership or training, then for equipment or services needed to complete the work. It looked like a daunting, impossible task.

A friend of ours recently posted a job. He owns his own biz and after we chatted about what the company needs, Hubs and I decided to try it on, walk around in it, see how it fits.

(And to my friend, Angie, I think this is the kind of thing you've been trying to tell me about for the past year. You are the wisest of us, dear friend.)

So, dear friends, one of the reasons I've not been online as much or as chatty on the blog as much is because I've been working! From home. Praise God and Please, Help Me, Jesus!

I'm just really getting started this week and besides getting acquainted with the websites/applications I'll be using, I've been learning valuable lessons. First of all, I seriously need to look up the blogs that have time management worksheets and find one/some for Work-From-Home-Moms. The thought of scheduling my evenings is a bit scary.

Second of all, if this works out, I think I may forget about going back to get my Master's degree in Education in order to pursue teaching and focus on working from home. That's a big IF. But if it works out, I would be able to be involved at the girls' school and be there as often as possible without having to take time off from a conventional job. I'm thinking of all the pro's while wondering what hurdles I may face along the way.

But for now, I'm taking it one task at a time.

After nearly 3 years of being a Stay-At-Home-Mommy, and after thinking and talking about working from home for about 2 years, I'm finally doing it.

Your prayers would be so appreciated! :-)

Thank You for Hearing Me

A special shout out to SarahinCo (over at Unfamiliar Paths, in my links) for this sweet message to "Taking Deep Breaths (and devising a plan)", below.

You totally nailed how I've been feeling for a while:

I'm praying Aimee. I know it is such a tough decision to make, and it's not a one-time decision, either... it rumbles up inside of me every day as well... I pray that God will come through for you in a dramatic and very "I have provided" type of way, so that you can see it is of His hand, and not of yours. Love you friend.

The emphasis in bold red font is mine.

I think all mothers feel guilt about something. Working mothers feel guilty for being away from their children. Stay-at-home Moms feel guilty about the money they're not making and how not working affects their family, financially. I've been both, and these are the things I struggled with in both circumstances.

I'm still waiting to hear about the retail job. In the meantime, I'm looking into some other possibilities, both temporary and full-time. Also, in the meantime, I'm trying to secure a babysitter so I can finish the garage and get some serious work done around the house before a certain birthday party at the end of next month.

Whew! (aka June-July Recap)

I have had numerous posts swimming around in my brain for the past, oh... couple of months. But, as I've hinted, we've been pretty busy and there hasn't been a lot of time for posting long, thoughtful messages, so I've kept them on the shelf. It's time to unload, so here goes. Grab a cup of coffee or tea and let's sit a spell and catch up.

June 2008

Another Milestone

The beginning of June marked the first anniversary of another Abbie/BWS milestone, when we went to the Fetal Care Center in Cincinnati. I was at my parents' house on the actual day (June 6) and it was pretty emotional. I've found that this summer, I get pretty emotional as each anniversary rolls around (odd to call them that, but what other word should I use? Those were pretty important days during my pregnancy with Abbie). My thought is that, last summer, I was trying to get through each day, each week, the best I could so that Abbie wouldn't be stressed and that I'd stay pregnant for as long as possible.

Because what I can say now, but couldn't say then, was that while we were at the FCC, we were told that if Abbie was born before 32 weeks, she would die. Even if we made it to the 32 week mark, she could still die. And so, I felt a tremendous weight on my shoulders for the remainder of the pregnancy. We learned that 50% of all babies prenatally diagnosed with BWS are stillborn. Even if I did everything my incredible team of doctors told me to do, we could still lose her. And those words, so stark and scary.... I couldn't even say the words last summer. I couldn't type them, either. I just could not put those words out into the universe and even give thought to the chance that I could lose the child I had so desperately wanted and had tried for over a year to conceive. I just Could Not Do That. I had to hope. I had to push on, praying more and harder than I ever had that God's hand would be on us both and that she would be born alive and that I wouldn't have a seizure or stroke from the pre-eclampsia.

I was a lot sicker than I let on, and looking back, I was a lot sicker than even I realized.

Funny how hindsight is 20/20, isn't it?

The milestone of June 6 is one that is intensely personal and private, and for the most part, I will keep it that way, sharing it with Abbie when she is old enough to understand the concept of the amazing miracle she is. I will say, though, that I sincerely love the staff at FCC, I love each and every doctor who lent his or her knowledge and expertise to help Abbie get here safe and sound, and I love each and every doctor, nurse and therapist who help nurture and guide her once she was here. My appreciation, gratitude and love for them is so much more than I can articulate and I will always think of them, my heart swollen with thankfulness.

A trip to Florida

Also in June, we took Abbie to Lakeland, Florida. If you haven't heard, there is an on-going revival there. I still haven't decided what to think or say about the experience. Until I do, there's nothing I can share that will make any sense.

July 2008

I cannot understand how this month has gone by so quickly. How is it that I am typing this on July 21? It seems that just a few days ago, we were celebrating Independence Day. This month has been pretty busy, with the middle of the month being occupied by our first Family Vacation. My cousin was married at Myrtle Beach on July 12th at sunset, and since we were using a travel gift certificate to go there for the wedding, we decided to stay a week and enjoy it. After all, it makes no sense to me to drive 8 hours one way to just stay a few days. Both girls enjoyed the sand and the ocean so much that my mom is deeming them both Beach Bums.

I wasn't sure how either girl would take to the sand, but I can report that both loved playing in/with it, running or crawling on it, and they pretty much spent the entire time covered with it. Hannah, taking after her dad, had to rinse off the sand immediately once she was finished with any particular sand castle or digging. Abbie didn't mind it at all, to the point that she boldly crawled around without being fussy and didn't even complain too much when her diapers were filled with it.

The ocean was Hannah's favorite part and each day, she grew bolder and bolder, venturing out a little further. The first day, she was brave enough for wet toes and feet, and by the time we left, she was ok with being in up to her knees. Abbie enjoyed the ocean as well, splashing about in the water and holding her breath when a wave splashed her face. She is fearless and this trip has shown me that there is no end to her bravery and that the next few years will keep me very busy.

Our last evening at the beach, we had a professional photography shoot, our first family photo. I can't believe that our oldest child is 4 1/2 and we've never had one done, but I thought that it was high time we had a family photo made and the info on the website was more than I could take, so I scheduled a session. The wind was fierce, as a tropical storm was brewing off the North Carolina coast, so she had to take 80 shots. There are so many good ones that we're planning on buying the CD. You'll understand why when you see the photos. But that might be a while, because the CD is going to cost around $150-$170 and we need to recuperate financially from the vacation before doing anything extra. Such is life when you live paycheck to paycheck.

Though it probably wasn't the wisest choice to go to the beach until we had saved more money,I wonder how long it would've taken us to finally make the decision and action to go. Does that make sense? I'm not sure how a lot of people live, but it seems for us, we hope for "one of these days," "one day" or "some day." My oldest baby will be going to Kindergarten in a year, and I don't want her childhood to slip by without making these kinds of memories, no matter what we have to sacrifice.

Looking Ahead

Speaking of finances, I am trying to figure out what to do. I have wanted to do a program that would allow me to work from home, making as much as $14 an hour. It requires a $200 investment, which we don't have. Even with our former home finally sold, we still don't have extra and coast along on fumes a lot during the week before payday. The perfect situation would allow me to stay at home with the girls indefinitely; however, I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that says that I'm going to have to go back to work, at least part-time, just so we can keep our heads above water.

As I've mentioned before, I am thinking of getting my teaching certificate and perhaps even my Master's, in education. But that takes money, a commodity in short supply since we moved to the house in which we now live, tried to and finally sold the former home and were sued. (Long, long story that I cannot legally get into on a public blog).

At Hannah's dance class, I met a woman who works at a local children's clothing store. It sounds like a great answer for our present needs and may be the answer to prayers in providing extra income to allow me to either get the teaching certificate or do the work-from-home business.

While browsing the classifieds this morning, I came across an ad for a copy writer, which would be a dream job for me. It would be full-time and would require putting both girls in daycare. I would love to have this kind of opportunity, and yet wonder what kind of impact it would have on my children. Mother's guilt never ends, does it?

I do plan on getting back to finishing the garage. Right now, there are bathroom and plumbing tools and parts scattered everywhere, in addition to all the things that already needed to be purged or organized. I told Paul this morning that I strongly feel that the garage project and hopefully, the house, should be cleaned out and organized before Abbie's FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY in roughly 6 weeks (can you believe it?!??!?). That, too, will require money for a babysitter and for the organizer to come back and lend her help and get-up-and-go. How I hope I can find the momentum I previously had! And how I hope Paul finishes the bathroom (no, it was never finished.... only the bath tub was installed. My house is still in complete and utter chaos).

Looking ahead, I have a LOT to do, to plan for and I hope to accomplish most of my goals. But mostly, I just want to enjoy my girls, the summer and plan for the future ahead of us.

The Great Debate

I've been mulling around with the idea of going back to work outside the home. I say it that way because staying home to raise children is work, though American society would, at times, portray staying at home to be easy.

It isn't. In fact, when I made the transition from full-time employee and part-time student to full-time mother and part-time student when my oldest daughter was born, I had a really difficult time. I was so used to being creative and interacting with other adults and my world went from going full-speed ahead to being dictated by the nursing schedule of an infant.

I do love being home with my children. But I also think that they miss out on socialization by not being in play groups or in some sort of care on a semi-regular basis.

Financially, things have been tight. I look back on the past 9 months and am amazed that we have made it. The short answer is: God has provided. It's been really close at times, and even though we finally sold our old house and we finally settled a lawsuit within the past 4 months, the fact is, that by being a one income family with more financial obligations than money means that we are playing catch up after many long months of juggling. It's exhausting and I've been praying specifically about finances.

So.... I am again in the middle of the Great Debate of the 21st Century. Ok, maybe it's not that big of a deal, but there has been a lot of discussion that began in the 90's and continues through today. It was even a topic of discussion on "Sex and the City" when Miranda, a successful lawyer aiming for partner, becomes pregnant. The question of whether or not women can have it all came up.

Personally, I don't think women can have it ALL. Something has to give at some point. Actually, at many points through the day. If a woman is a successful physician or attorney, her time at home is limited. If a woman chooses to focus her time on her family, her career can (and I believe a lot of times, will) suffer. Even for those of us who chose career paths far from what we originally planned, opting to take administrative jobs rather than go to law school, for example, we cannot have it all.

The sitter or day care will eventually call and tell you that little Suzy has a fever, can you please come now? And despite the fact that you have an insane day ahead of you, full of meetings or work obligations, you must go. Now.

It's a very difficult tight rope to walk. One slip either way and you feel awful. For me, I was always guilty. I always felt bad about my kid being in day care, but I had to contribute financially. She did well. She needed to be around other kids and other adults. She benefited from the education programs at her day care. But at the end of the day, I think what she and I both wanted was for us to be home together.

I think that once children are in school, being a working-outside-the-home mother can be easier. You don't feel guilty about being away from them because they're supposed to be in school. And, a bonus with a lot of after-school programs is that they can get their homework finished before even going home.

It's a tough decision that every woman has to make. A lot of us feel that we are better mothers when we work outside the home. A lot of us feel that we should absolutely be home to raise our children to school age. Then some of us (me) are somewhere in the middle, not knowing what the exact right answer is, and we hope that we're getting it right, somehow.

Has it been a week already?

Apparently so, even though my brain keeps telling me it's Monday, Not Green Tuesday. Ha! I'm wrong. The calendar clearly states that today is Tuesday, March 25th.

Since I last checked in, my life went something like this: I had the stomach flu, then Paul, then me again, a little bit, then we went to Cincinnati for a check up (drove 200 miles just to pay a $15 co-pay!), went to a birthday party, enjoyed Easter, went to visit my grandmother, who had knee replacement surgery (yesterday), worked with Abbie's occupational therapist (today). Whew! I'm worn out!

Anyway, my green idea for today is reusable shopping bags. You can find some here, or now, Target is starting to sell them.

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Also, today I accomplished finding out what I would need to do to get my teaching certificate. I can enter a Post-Bach(elorette) program and take 8 courses, 3 hours each, and get my teaching certificate. I can also get my MAT (basically, my Master's) by taking 39 hours. I can enter the Post-Bach program, get my certificate, then complete my Master's, which to me sounds like the best option. I have 7 years to complete my Master's if I so choose.

I had hoped to get my Master's from WVU, but I don't know that they do education masters courses here where I live. I will be looking into this.

Ok, I'm now going back to my life, which still includes cleaning out closets and various storage space, at a very slow pace, and pricing all my garage sale items. I really hope this pays off! I'm planning on using my profits to get the girls' summer clothes. Wish me luck! The sale is scheduled for May 3rd.