I *want* to be good.

My three year old is quite a handful most days. She's smart, curious, fearless and precocious, which means that on most days, she gets into something she's not supposed to be getting into. It doesn't matter that she's been told 564 times to not do this or get into that, she must. It's as if she can't help herself.

And then it's time for me to discipline.

Then she's repentant.

"I wanna be good, Mommy," she cries through tears and tangled curls.

During one of these scenes recently, I felt a nudge and heard it a little differently. Always before, it seemed she said this because she was trying to get out of trouble. As if the wanting to be good would cancel out the thing she'd done. Or perhaps I'd find her too charming to discipline.

But this time, it seemed that I heard her heart a little differently. Perhaps for the first time, I heard her the way she really meant it.

I want to be good, Mommy. My heart and soul long to do things that please you and make you happy. I want to be obedient. I don't want to do things that get me in trouble. I want to be... good.

Sounds an awful lot like my prayers.

I want to be a good Mommy. I want to be a good wife. I don't want to yell at my kids and I don't want to argue with my husband. I want to be a good Christian and really live out my faith in a way that leaves no doubt that Jesus is in my heart and is Lord of my life; however, so often, I fail and fall short. I fear I'll be known as a hypocrit instead. I want my flesh to die so that your light in me shines.

I wanna be good.

Did you hear that, God? I want to be good.

But I can't. Not on my own. I need You. Desperately. Deeply. I can't do life or marriage or mothering or Christian without You.

I've heard it said more than once, that God wants us to be at the point of desperately needing him. That when we're not enough, He comes and fills in the rest.

If that's the case, I should be right where He wants me.

* * * * * * * * * *

This post by Ann Voskamp is wow.

She talks about stretching in a way that is relevent in this season and to my season.

Just last night, I was talking with someone about the past year. I was saying that I've been stretched so much this year that I feel like a Gumby doll. I've been streched beyond my comfort zones. I've bitten my tongue. I've learned a lot about people, church and myself. This year, I've had a mirror put in front of me and a spotlight on all the areas in which I need to grow. It's been overwhelming most of the time and nearly all year, I've doubted that I'm in the right place at the right time.

Though God has tried to whisper, He had to pretty much shout it out to me this time. Oh that I would learn to listen to--and believe--that still, small voice.

I'm not sure what will come in the new year, but I have a sneaking suspicion that more stretching and more growing are definitely part of His plan. Perhaps, at some point, I will be good.

Preparing for Resurrection Sunday

I've been thinking a lot about Easter Resurrection Sunday and am hoping to make it more than a day full of new dresses, baskets, and going from grandparents' home to grandparents' home to eat.

I want my girls to grow up anticipating this day as a day of thanksgiving to God for His Perfect Lamb. I want my girls to be giddy with excitement to have the chance to worship God and celebrate Jesus' resurrection. I want them to know that This Day is not about a bunny; it's about eternity and the Savior who came to save us.

Kristi has a great post here. I encourage you to read it and think about what she says. (There's actually a great post about Halloween here. Somewhat related.) I have to say that I agree with what is on Kristi's blog post. We try to steer away from the bunnies, chicks and other traditional Easter fare. We try to put as much focus as possible on why we are celebrating, the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

This post offers some great ideas to help celebrate this season with a Christ-centered attitude and heart. I'd like to try some of the suggestions. I *really* want one of these. I have to confess that I have never observed Lent or Advent, mostly out of ignorance because growing up, we didn't participate. The more I read and hear, the more I am convinced that I want to purposefully take time to reflect on Resurrection/First Fruits Sunday and Christmas.

In these ways and so many more, I am just baby beginning to crawl, sure to stumble as I learn to walk, having faith that God knows the intent of my heart**: to draw closer to Him.

** 1 Samuel 16:7, Hebrews 4:12

I want to get away with the Shepherd

As you can tell from my previous post, my cup is empty.

When I read Hinds Feet on High Places years ago, it really spoke to me. A passage keeps coming to mind, when Much-Afraid longs to go to the high places to be with the Shepherd. She knows she is broken and imperfect and in fact, feels so unworthy to be in His presence, but her heart longs to visit with Him.

I have been feeling like that for some time. Not only do I want to get away and have a "mommy vacation" where I can just unwind. But I've also felt this need to just slip away somewhere and spend some time with Jesus. No itinerary. No errands to run. No rush, just slowing down to spend time with Him.

My heart and soul crave it. I need it. I hope to be able to have that alone time soon.

* I found some need information about the Hind, here:
http://www.hannahscupboard.com/secrethind.html

He Cares for Me

Wow, I've been in a pretty foul mood this week. Not sure why. It may be related to hormones, but I can't say for sure. What I do know is, I have been feeling VERY overwhelmed this week and I haven't handled it like I should.

I've been moody, snappy, short-tempered, and an all-around hot fuse. This is not the way I want to be. I've even slacked off in my prayer time (hmm... wonder why I'm feeling this way, in part, at least?).

The other night, I was really upset about something. The thing is, I don't even remember what it was now. It was probably something related to the state of the house, with extra laundry overtaking everything, as I'm desperately trying to wash long-forgotten, wrinkled or dirty clothes so they are acceptable for donation. I'm trying so hard, but I feel like I just keep spinning my wheels in mud, putting forth a LOT of effort, yet getting nowhere.

So I was mad and looking for my keys. And it was really a thought-prayer: "I know with the way I've been acting lately, I don't even have a right to ask for Your help in finding my keys." Even the way I thought it was snippy and harsh. I paced back and forth. Then I laid my hand on the dining room table and under a folded shirt, I felt my keys.

Hot tears burned my eyes.

I melted and humbly thanked Him for His providence. And I apologized for my behavior and asked that my heart be changed.

Even in the middle of my muck and my tantrums, God cared enough to help with an itty bitty thing like finding my keys.

"Casting all your care on Him, for He cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:6-8

Again and again, I fall flat on my face. Maybe that's to remind me that it's not about me, but about His grace and love towards me. My prayer is that I somehow become more Christ-like in my character and actions so that no one has to ask if I'm a Christian.

Decisions, decisions...

One of the things on my mind most these days is what to do this fall when my oldest enters Kindergarten.

Until about 6 weeks ago, I hadn't thought too much about it. We had planned on sending her to public school and it turned out that she would attend the same elementary school her Daddy did.

But then I learned some things about the public system where I live: students are not allowed to have Christmas parties. Halloween parties? Fine! Valentine's Day parties? Sure! But not a party or school program one to commemorate Christmas.

I was surprised, shocked nearly, that her pre-school wasn't going to have a Christmas party or program. She goes to pre-school at a church, the same facility where she attended daycare when I worked full-time. This year, though, they partnered with the county for their pre-school program. They use the county's curriculum and receive county money; therefore, they must follow the county's rules about Christmas.

I was floored. Maybe this sounds melodramatic, but listen, it was only 12 years ago that I graduated from high school and back then, we had Christmas parties and programs... when I was in high school, the Christmas program was a big deal, actually. While I didn't go to school in this county, I would assume that it's the same since it's the same state.

At our next gymnastics class, I asked one of my neighbors who has a child in the system about this and she confirmed that students aren't allowed to celebrate Christmas at school.

It's not the Christmas party or play per se, it's about the notion that talking about or celebrating Jesus is not ok. It's about being able to talk about our faith. It's about religious freedom. I'm not sure I want my child in an education system that teaches her, either passively or out-right, that her faith is unimportant, not ok, or is a myth.

That's when Hubby and I began talking about what to do. While I realize that as parents, it is our job to raise children according to God's Word. While I believe that providing an education is part of that, and that in some ways public school is a great way to go, I give pause when I learn that she's not allowed to celebrate something that is so foundational to her family, our beliefs and even our culture.

The big question is, can we afford it? Right now, we cannot. While I had wanted to wait a few more years before re-entering the full-time workforce, I am wondering if perhaps me going back to work is the best option for us. In many ways, I'd rather not because the days of my babies being small are limited. I've missed so much with Hannah and want to be there for both of them more than just a few hours in the evenings and on weekends.

I am hoping to pursue a work-from-home opportunity that someone we know has used, so I know it is legitimate. I am praying that we find a way to both pay for private Christian school and allow me to continue staying home with the little one until she is a little older.

I knew that giving birth was the easy part to becoming a mother, but never realized such big decisions would come so soon.

Excited About The Season

Tonight, I decided to do a couple of things for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but right now, I'd rather not talk about them. Really, I'm not sure if I will because I don't really believe that if we do good things we should broadcast it.

I'm not doing that. All I wanted to do is say, I'm so excited!

I think part of my excitement has been spurred by The Mother Project. It's a great idea and a great project. Check it out!

One of my most favorite Christmases was about 4 years ago (if I'm remembering correctly). My grandmother was at her hair stylist, and she told Ma-maw about a little grandmother trying to raise her grandsons on her own. She didn't have any money to buy them gifts for Christmas and was selling some of her own meager possessions to try to make a little extra.

Well, Ma-maw talked to Mom about it, and Mom talked with me. We decided to adopt the entire family for Christmas. Oh my goodness! It was so much fun to buy things for those boys, and get the groceries for Christmas dinner and beyond and even something for the little grandmother. It was so exciting. I can't even put it into words!

Really, honestly and truly, please hear my heart: I'm not out here trying to say, "Hey, look what we did." I'm saying, giving to others warms your heart. It connects you to people you might not otherwise know. For a long time, I wanted to do something like that. Where I grew up, there aren't a lot of agencies like the Salvation Army to provide the program in which to give to people.... but I found, I didn't need a group to provide the opportunity. If we open our eyes and look around us, someone, somewhere needs help. It might be the lonely neighbor, the frazzled mom, anyone.

Does anyone out there have any good ideas about how to celebrate Christmas in a different way, other than materialism? There's a book called "Unplug the Christmas Machine" that I'd really like to get and read (if I have time!). In the meantime, I'm looking for ways to celebrate the Real Meaning of the season without the focus being on material goods or ourselves.... though, I realize, some programs need things, material items, for what they accomplish, like Toys for Tots and things like that.

Bring on all the good ideas! I'm really excited to try something new this year.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the most hypocritical of them all?

So many times, I feel it's me.

I've talked about this before... wanting to be better, wanting more. I swear, it feels like I am just spinning my wheels, especially when it comes to my faith.

I think that a lot of it comes from not participating in church as much these days. And a lot of it comes with struggling with the last corporate fast my church just finished. I'm not sure if it was me (granted, a large part of it was), or if there were deliberate stumbling blocks out there, which I imagine does happen during a time of corporate prayer and fasting. I'm just saying that I've never struggled to find the time to pray, nor with the temptation of things I chose to cut out of my life during that period, as much as I did with this.

During this time, I came across an old blog post mentioned on a friend's old blog. She has a new one now. But the post I'm talking about is entitled, Detoxing from Church and I would encourage you to read it (and please read the entire thing). I've read it. More than once. And it really has me thinking.

Since about July of last year through now, we haven't attended church regularly. Back then, late summer 2007, it was because I had relocated to Cincinnati to wait for Abbie's birth and stay in the hospital. When we came home in September, she had an NG tube and there was no way I was taking her out in public. You know, where germs are. Then, we got word that her tongue surgery would be in January 2008, so that meant that she could not get sick in the four weeks prior to that. And that meant that we didn't go out, either. I literally ordered my groceries online, as I've mentioned before. When she came home following that surgery, we remained shut-ins for about another 2 months because of a "super bug" going around.

I nearly lost my mind during that time. I mean, just from the stress and the sheer hermitness of it. But by the grace of God, I would have. But that's another post for another time.

The seclusion from the church community has taken a toll on my Christianity. I wouldn't say that it has taken or killed my faith... I don't not believe in God any more or anything like that. But I will say that during this time, I have found how dependent I became on the church for my spiritual feeding. I learned that I really leaned on those services and that fellowship when I should be feeding myself by reading my Bible every day and by spending time in purposeful, intentional prayer, rather than quick shout-outs when I think of it. I've also learned that I really need to take more intiative in reaching out to get to know the people in not only my congregation but also my community.

While I was in Cincinnati, I did that. I did feed myself. I had to. Still, I felt so hungry.

My illustration for where we have been and what we have gone through is really, the story of the woman with the issue of blood. She was so determined and so desperate that she fought the crowd to just touch the bottom of Jesus' clothes. In my mind's eye, I can she her crawling on her hands and knees, being stepped on and shoved to the ground, never giving up until she had touched the hem of His garmet.

Really, I felt that way during our time between the prenatal testing until Abbie came home from tongue surgery in January. I was so determined and so desperate for my child, my baby and I was going to fight tooth and nail to make sure she had what she needed. I was going to beg people to pray for her, if I had to. I would've done anything. I still fiercely believe that God will completely restore and heal her body, but again, that is another post for another time.

Since January, I felt that for the first time in nearly a year, I could breathe. I admit, I got lazy. But I think I got lax because I was just so tired. Spiritually, mentally and physically, I was exhausted. Many times throughout the last year, my heart wanted an Aaron and a Joshua to come up and stand with me, holding my hands high in prayer, as they did for Moses when he became too physically tired to hold himself up in prayer. But because I had leaned on the church rather than build those personal relationships, there was no Aaron and there was no Joshua.

Could I have asked some of my friends for that? I think I could have. But I didn't, partly because I felt bad about asking for more, especially for myself. Give all your prayers up for my baby, not for me. In the process, though, I have come to realize that a Mommy needs to be healthy--physically, mentally and spiritually--to be the best Mommy, to be a role model, and I am failing at that.

My prayer and my hope is to turn things around, and quickly. This spiritual drought is wearing me out.

Out of sync

I've been feeling very "blah" lately, and it's not completely attributed to the fact that the girls and I were sick last week. It's been going on longer than that, and though I've wanted to write about it, I have instead avoided it. Because that's my M.O. when things aren't going right. I'll think about it for a while and when I'm ready, I'll write. If I ever get to that point. Two examples are: I haven't yet written about the passing of one of my mentors this past summer and I haven't finished the Abbie story yet. But I will. In my own time.

Anyway, lately I've been feeling very disconnected from my church and in many ways, from God. We are doing a corporate fast and I have to say, I've never struggled with a fast ever as much as I have with this one. I don't know why. All I know is, it's been harder for me to pray (either by time or, I hate to say it, by desire). The temptations to eat or drink during fasting times has been worse than I've ever experienced. I'm stumped as to why this time is so different.

It's been hard to keep connected to church with my work schedule. The thing that bums me out is, I know I can't get really connected until after Christmas... and I hate that, because I had hoped that we could be more involved this year than we were last year, when we couldn't even go to church because of keeping Abbie away from large crowds before her surgery.

It's just frustrating and makes my heart ache. I so wish I were better at practicing my faith, of living it every day in a way that really exemplifies Jesus and what I believe he would want me to do. So, spiritually speaking, I have the Blahs.

For Abbie

Because I'm sappy and because I've been looking for ways to teach both my daughters, but especially Abbie, self-worth. And because the TV show, "Touched by an Angel" and "Little House on the Prairie" are pretty much the only decent shows on daytime television.

This is what I'd like to teach my children, taken from an episode this week:

From the TV Show, “Touched by an Angel” during the episode, “An Angel on My Tree”

You also have a Father in Heaven and he loves you more than you can imagine.

A boy with Tourrette's syndrome asks the angel, Monica, "How could God love me? I’m a mistake."

She responds, "God doesn’t make mistakes. What God sees as perfect is very, very different from what the world sees. The world sees faces that are beautiful and ugly. The world sees bodies that are strong and are weak; the world sees people who succeed or fail. But God sees hearts. He sees the love in your soul. He sees the beauty in your spirit. And that’s the only thing that finally matters. That’s the only thing that lasts. The person that you are, not the body that you’re in."

Rest in Peace, Linda

I have been wanting to post this for a few weeks now. Since before the appointments and before the sickness. But as with most other things in my life, I will stuff and hide my thoughts or emotions about the really deep stuff for a while, examining it and waiting because writing it or saying it out loud will make it real, and this just doesn't feel real. But it is.

About a month or two ago, something happened and I knew that there was only one person in the world who might appreciate it and think it was as funny as I did. That person was Linda. She and I were friends years ago, and had been out of touch for about six years. I don't want to get into all the reasons she and I weren't close friends any more, mostly because there are two sides to it and she cannot speak for herself now and it's not fair to talk about it now. Besides, it doesn't really matter. All I'm going to say is, we had a disagreement because we firmly believed two very different things and neither person would change her belief, so our friendship withered and died very quickly. I always hated that, but I wouldn't change my belief, and that was a deal breaker for both of us.

I tried finding her and did find her MySpace page. I was scrolling down and checking out her page, anxious to send a message and perhaps see if we could let bygones be bygones and rekindle our friendship. Or, at the very least, I wanted to share with her the story that made me think of her in the first place and tell her about the two best things that ever happened to me.

My heart began racing as I read through her comments. Comments which said things like, "Rest in Peace" and "We miss you so much." What the heck happened? I sent messages to the people who had left comments on her page and found out that Linda had a heart attack in December and died instantly. In a moment, she was gone.

I was stunned. She wasn't even 50 years old and had died of a heart attack.

I don't mean this as a pun, but I was haunted.... I kept thinking of the time that she and I were pretty close. My heart was heavy because I knew that I wasn't the Christian I should have been when we were friends.

Back then, I was just coming to terms with a lot of things about me, my life, my past and what I wanted my future to be. I was in the middle of becoming cynical and calloused and I didn't even know what I thought about church any more, to be honest, let alone know if or how I would continue living as a Christian. Not that I was wanting to be an atheist or anything... but I was so wounded by people in church and was so confused about God and why He doesn't mess with free will when innocent people are being hurt, and I was mad as hell. I was mad at God, I was mad at a lot of people in church, either for being fake or uncaring or not wanting to deal with very real, raw, hurtful things that people deal with on a daily basis, yet are taboo for "the church" to talk about (oddly enough, it wasn't long after that the Catholic church began dealing with the sexual abuse cases, thereby thrusting issues of rape, abuse, and other horridly offensive things into the mainstream media AND church dialogue).

The thing is, Linda got it. She got me. She didn't judge me for feeling what I was feeling. She just accepted me as I was. She made me laugh and helped me see other perspectives I hadn't thought of before.

It was a very difficult, dark time in my life. And I know I wasn't the Light I was supposed to be. I mean, really, I honestly believe that if you say you are a Christian, you should act like it. Not fake, but real. And I'm still trying to figure out how to be real about who and what I am now, and that God is still working on me... so while I'm not perfect, I'm still covered by the Blood. But that's a topic for another post (or bunch of them).

I began to wonder, what if I was the only person who could have made a difference in Linda's life? I probably wasn't, but we cannot assume that we aren't. We cannot assume for one second that a person we know or come into contact with has someone to show them Who Christ Is. Because there are people out there who are lost, hungry, searching and they may not ever find Jesus if someone doesn't love them, and then show them who He is. We have to be open to the fact that there are many people out there who have no one to show them The Way.

It's really easy to take life for granted, but eternity? Multiply the thoughtlessness many of us have about life by a thousand, and you'll see how much we take eternity for granted. How often do we think about eternity on a daily basis? Not much, I'm willing to bet. What if we are put into each other's life for a moment, but that the moment will have eternal consequences?

I hope that Linda found the answers she was looking for. I do. I'm afraid she didn't and my heart is so incredibly heavy because of that. Rest in peace, dear friend. I do hope you found all the answers.

2 Posts: Looking Back / Real Me vs. Perceived Me

I wanted to address something, just to touch base and move on. I didn't keep a journal during either pregnancy. Last year, while I was pregnant with Abbie, I did both email and blog updates for family and friends, mostly so people would know what was going on and how they could pray for her.

Some things are so etched in our memories that I doubt we'll ever forget them. Ask nearly any mother what time her baby was born or to tell you details about the day her baby was born, and she can. Where were you when you heard that JFK had been assassinated? Where were you on 9/11? People answer these questions without even having to think about it.

Many are memories like that of last year. The Day I wrote about last week is one of them. There were other Days that I'll talk about, because I've been thinking a lot about the past year and the past 7.5 months... how God has worked... what could have been and what is. It's amazing! Some things I didn't talk about because I was too freaked out about it to even say it aloud or write it down, such as, my baby could die. Some things were so incredible and showed God's faithfulness, that I've treasured those things in my heart until I can share them.

I don't want to really rehash things, but I think it is important, for me, anyway, to inspect them one last time before putting them away. I want to acknowledge what we went through, honor what God did and, hopefully, show the glorious work He did for my daughter. Because, can I tell you? Can I really tell you enough of God's goodness? Hardly. I talk a lot, you know that for sure, but I never want to shut up about God's faithfulness. He's been too good for me to not talk about it for eternity.

So, if you will bear with me, over the next 5 or 6 months, I'd like to re-trace my steps one last time. Not to proclaim how good I am, because I'm not. But to show you how true the words of the poem, "Footprints" really are.

**********

Real Me vs. Perceived Me

I've been thinking a lot about things. This blog and what I've written on it have gotten me into hot water on a couple of occasions. Some of the things I've said here haven't been nice. Some things have shocked people. Other things have hurt people. Though never my intention, that is what happened. While I know I should apologize for crossing lines and hurting people (and I have), should I be apologetic about being honest about who I am? About being honest about where I am life?

My question lately has been: should I apologize for trying to be real? Because, really, all I've tried to do here is be authentic, even when it wasn't nice or pretty or even a good testimony of my faith. This is the tricky thing: when you say you're a Christian, the slightest variance off the path of righteousness can cause others to point their fingers and call you a hypocrite, a liar.

I've never wanted to be those things, ever. I just want to be transparent. Even when I'm not the person I want to be. Because I think that unless we bring our faults to light, unless we confess, in one way or another, what our sins are, what our imperfections are, what our blemishes are, so that He can restore us completely, what's the point? I mean, if all I am is someone who dresses up on Sunday, puts on make-up, behaves one way, but secretly struggles with a myriad of things, why say that I believe Jesus died for me? Why say that if I won't say, "Hey, I'm messed up. I can't do it on my own. I need Jesus every day. I'm broken, but He's not finished with me yet." Because none of us is a finished product. We are all broken and in need of mending. Pretending otherwise just negates the point, doesn't it?

While I realize that me being so open about things opens the door for criticism, I still believe that being open about who I am will, in the end, be ok.

Maybe one of the problems in this is, there's the "real" me: the broken, damaged, sinful me who lives day to day, failing all the time, but always trying to be the person I think God wants me to be.

Then there's the "perceived" me, the side of me you would only know or observe in passing, the me who looks like she has it relatively together, who matches the family's clothes on holidays, the "best foot forward" me who you would only know if you didn't really get to know me, talk with me, go beyond the cordial platitudes of social settings and put forth the effort to really get into the nitty gritty of life, examining or talking about the hard stuff we all go through, and the things that only a few of us go through.

I will admit, I haven't let many people know me well enough to let me let my guard down and really open my heart. I've been hurt too many times and have learned to not put it all out there because, in the past, I've had the most hurtful things that have happened in my life thrown in my face. I am very slow to open up to others about things. But I've found that most people are so busy with their own lives and schedules that we no longer take the time to build friendships that are strong enough for the kind of intimacy I'm talking about.

In the beginning and still today, this blog is very much about examining life, taking life by the horns, enjoying life and living life. It's also about finding the Life only One can give.

But it's also about me, how I fit into the equation, and how God can take someone as messed up as I am and hopefully, make something out of it.

Listen, I don't like where I am. I haven't for a long time, but I can tell you that things have gotten a lot better. If you really knew me and knew where I'm coming from, you'd so understand that. I'm growing. The thing about plants.... they grow and that growing is continual. It's so slow, you don't even notice it, but it's always growing. I think--no, I hope and pray--that is the case with me.

My most sincere hope and prayer is that my faults and shortcomings will somehow show God's glory. If I am nothing, He is everything. If my quilt is full of holes, I hope His light always shines through.

The Quilt

As I faced my MAKER at the last judgment, I knelt before the LORD along with all the other souls. Before each of us laid our lives, like the squares of a quilt in many piles. An angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares of cloth off the pile.

I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in everyday life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all. I glanced around me, nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and bright hues of worldly fortune.

I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened. My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air. Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose, each in turn, hold up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me and nodded for me to rise. My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and death, and false accusations that took from me my world as I knew it.

I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been help up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the FATHER in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me. And now, I had to face the truth.

My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was. I rose and slowly lifted combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes, then I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image - the face of CHRIST. Then our LORD stood before me, with warmth and love in HIS eyes.

He said, "Every time you gave over your life to ME, it became MY life, MY hardships, and MY struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let ME shine through, until there was more of ME then there was of you."

May all your quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing CHRIST to shine through.

Earth Day 2008

Ha! How funny that Earth Day turned out to be on a Tuesday this year.

To celebrate Earth Day 2008, Amazon.com is offering discounts up to 50% off on select green products. They have nearly anything you could imagine! Check out the special deals offered this week by clicking here.

There has been a lot of discussion in our household about global warming and whether or not it's even really happening. Someone in our home thinks that it could likely be a media ploy to focus the world's attention on something other than the things that are going on... a very good "distraction" of sorts. Someone else in our home doesn't know for sure, but thinks that over the past 10 years, the weather has been weirder than it's ever been... winters are shorter and no where near as cold as they once were, spring is short and comes at strange times, summer is either way too hot (last year, average temps were in the high 90's into the 100's), or are very cold and wet. Very extreme and no "in the middle." Autumn is still usually Autumn, but the exceptions are the times (a year and a half ago, for example), where it felt like summer in November.

That said, I believe that Christians have an obligation to take care of the earth. Not worship it. Take care of it. The Bible says that humans were given dominion over the earth. I don't think that this means that we use it and discard whatever we don't want anymore; I believe that it means that we are to use it (for food, etc.) and take care of it, tending to it as a gardner tends to his garden. After all, didn't life start in a garden?

Below are a few Bible verses that I hope reinforce my ideals and thinking about this. For me, they do.

1 Corinthians 4:1
So then, men ought to regard us as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the secret things of God.

1 Corinthians 4:2
Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.

Matthew 25:14-30 (New International Version)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society

The Parable of the Talents
14"Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. 15To one he gave five talents[a] of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. 17So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. 18But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.

19"After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. 20The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.'

21"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

22"The man with the two talents also came. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.'

23"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

24"Then the man who had received the one talent came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.'

26"His master replied, 'You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? 27Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.
28" 'Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. 29For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. 30And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'

Footnotes:
Matthew 25:15 A talent was worth more than a thousand dollars.

Note: Though this parable talks about talents, or money, I think it can apply to anything we have been given trust over.

Stand

I think that this stuff (below) is what the song writer of the song, "Stand," must have had in mind.

This week's promise: God cares for the persecuted

Have you ever wished you could flee?

Oh, how I wish I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest! I would fly far away to the quiet of the wilderness. How quickly I would escape—far away from this wild storm of hatred. ~ Psalm 55:6-8 NLT

"Nothing great was ever done without much enduring." ~ Catherine of Siena

Resist flight

David was a man after God's own heart and a great, anointed king. But in many ways, he was just like us. Psalm 55 is an example. When the pressure was on, David just wanted to run away.
All of us have had similar urges. When life gets intense and troubles seem to offer no way out, we just want to get out of the situation. Every Christian who has been prepared by God and stretched to his or her limits can relate: There are times when we would do anything if God would just remove us from our trial. We'll pray for ways of escape, but God often leaves us surrounded until His time is right.

God has no scorn for such feelings. He made us and He knows our frailties. He understands our impulse to flee from whatever difficulties we face. But He also insists on our endurance, because it has spiritual results that nothing else can accomplish. And there is no way to learn endurance other than simply to endure. We can't learn it in principle or in theory; only pain can teach it to us.

The good news for those who go through intense trials and suffering is that once the impulse to flee is broken, God delivers. When endurance is complete, God removes the tribulation we endured. Every fear is followed by blessing (Psalm 55:4-8, 16-18). Our God does not leave us in our troubles. He has put us there to discover His provision; He will not withhold it indefinitely. There will be a day of deliverance.

Edited to add: These profound thoughts are not mine. I thought I had effectively copied and pasted the entire thing. The above is adapted from The One Year® Walk with God Devotional by Chris Tiegreen, Tyndale House Publishers (2004), entry for May 16.

God is real.

I love this story. Hope you enjoy...

This week's promise: God cares for the persecuted

Turning evil to good

Don't be intimidated by you enemies.…you have been given not only the privilege of trusting in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for him.
Philippians 1:28-29 NLT

Finding God in Russia

In the 1930's, Stalin ordered a purge of all Bibles and all believers. In Stravropol, Russia, this order was carried out with a vengeance. Thousands of Bibles were confiscated, and multitudes of believers were sent to the gulags where most died for being "enemies of the state."

Years later, CoMission sent a team to Stavropol. When the team was having difficulty getting Bibles shipped from Moscow, someone mentioned the existence of a warehouse outside of town where these confiscated Bibles had been stored since Stalin's day.

After much prayer by the team, one member finally got up the courage to go to the warehouse and ask the officials if the Bibles were still there.…The answer was, "Yes!"

The next day The CoMission team returned with a truck and several Russian people to help load the Bibles. One helper was a young man—a skeptical, hostile, agnostic collegian who had come only for the day's wages. As they were loading Bibles, one team member noticed that the young man had disappeared. He had slipped away, hoping to quietly take a Bible for himself. What he found shook him to the core.

The inside page of the Bible he picked up had the handwritten signature of his own grandmother. It had been her personal Bible. Out of the thousands of Bibles still left in the warehouse, he stole the one belonging to this grandmother—a woman persecuted for her faith all her life. He was found weeping—God was real.

R. Kent Hughes in 1001 Great Stories and Quotes

Adapted from The Prayer Bible Jean E. Syswerda, general editor, Tyndale House Publishers (2003), p 1285.